Thursday, October 17, 2013
Last night I couldn't sleep. I was wondering what was keeping me up? Oh yeah I ate 10 Pumpkin Doughnuts in three days. It felt like a small bird was living in my stomach. My small intestine was making Woody Wood Pecker type noises. Finally at 12:07 am I was able to goto the bathroom after 37 hours. I actually shit out an entire pumpkin. The stalk was the worst part. On a serious nature though, I felt so much relief. My organs were clapping because that demon pumpkin dough feel was now gone. After I took a pooh it felt like when Simba was born. Elephants were playing trumpets and handing me rolls of toilet paper. I made a nonverbal internal deal with my small intestine yesterday to never eat a dozen doughnuts again!!!!If I hadn't gotten rid of those last two, I wouldn't be writing this. You have won this battle oh great pumpkin. Charlie Brown never had shit problems like these...
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
I really don't give a crap about baseball. It just so happens that I fell out of my mother on the North side of Chicago so I was born into Cubs land. In my youth I liked Mark Grace and several others Cubs during life, when I was concerned about building small mouse huts for mice to stay in the winter. Upon my journey to Kansas City I brought my Mark Grace jersey with me. I had milkable teenage man breast that expanded the jersey throughout youth. I was able to wear it all the way to my Junior year. While trying to just wear a shirt that brought out my eyes a bunch of Asshole St Louis Cardinal fans always made fun of me. Okay clearly your team is better. I really don't care. My home city of Chicago is and will always be better than St. Louis. My final straw came with the St Louis Cardinals in the Fall of 2009. (This was the worst year of my exhistance and Joel and Adam Roth can back that up). There was a girl at Dillards who use to come to my department and hit on my all the time. It must have been my eyebrow poor distance vision that won her over. Anyone, on a lunch break she ate all my cheesecake one time(what a bitch) and asked me to take her out. That night I was going to meet her on the Plaza for a date. I got there before she did and got a table. She texted me saying she was going to be late, and to make sure I had a table near a T.V. She asked me, " Who are you routing for tonight :)" I didnt even know baseball was on because it was NBA preseason and that was all that mattered to me. I said Texassssssssss because I hated St Louis so much because I remember kids making fun of my teenage Cubs man breasts... She simply responded "Fuck you" and never showed up to dinner. So I will forever hate the Cardinals... Go every other team in Baseball!!!!I lost so much cheesecake, for such a evil person.