Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Man You Stupid Chronicles-Thats alot of JOBS Part 1

Look at the size of my wallet-Jay Sherman

Number three on the list I found that day was "Get a bad ass job"Such a task has yet to be complete. I am finally receiving my B.A. of arts in Psch in May after three transfers,moving four times and two knee surgeries.  Looking back over the last seven years I have had some weird and awful jobs. Hy-vee,the Y.M.C.A. Liberty Public Schools and Brock Smith have been very good to me. The rest I cant say the same about. My very first job was working in a bakery with the worst Native American ever, my  best friend Dan Read. We learned very little about life and ended up fatter after the job because Dan decided to get paid in food. The 7-14 dollars I made a week were good for my dollar store runs, but wasn't starting the bank account I had always dreamed of.
The next year after that I worked at Hy-vee and never really should have left there. After a year of Chicken strips and hitting on women who didn't know how to apply makeup yet I was on my way. I learned how to push carts and to never put a bag of chips under a can of chili again. Over the next year I briefly worked passing out flyer's at a local gym. I did an awful job with that. One time I had to take all the brochures off of these cars down town because a man in spandex shorts said it was against the law. He had a flashlight I thought he would shove up my butt so I listened to the man(I have an irrational fear of spandex. I feel its a seaman killer like Jean shorts so I will never wear it. I want amazing children).The next time I passed out brochures, me and my friend Bret with one testicle passed out 1000 brochures in peoples Mail boxes. You weren't suppose to do that. They should have been put on doors instead. I lost the brochures job and began to hold signs for K-Mart. It was a solid job, but my 127 pound frame at the time was taking a beating from the November cold(Maybe Martha Stewart could have actually bought me a jacket or something.That's why she was sent to jail). I ended up going back to work for the Fitness center. I handed out more brochures and worked there desk for about 16 days.  The only cool thing about that job was one time a women seduced me, but I was to dumb to understand anything. It was like 15 minutes before closing time and this smoking hot women came in to tan. we talked for like five minutes and I made her laugh like I usually do with most people(women from the ages of 30-42 will probably one day capture me and sacrifice me to some Cougar God or something. I always get hit on by horny midlifes and very few women my own age).She kept saying "YOU KNOW I TAN NAKED"and kept talking about oils and stuff(my socially awkward 18 year old self was blind).  She went back to tan and I began to listen to Bruce Springsteen and fold laundry. She called me back to the tanning bed and said it wasn't working.(She clearly knew how to work such machines. Little did I know It was a Sexual trap). As I got into the tanning bed I noticed the women was completely naked sitting in a chair smiling at me more spread than a cheese display at a Packers party. I simply said ALL YOU DO IS HIT THE BUTTON AND LEFT THE ROOM.( luckily her vagina didn't have a gravitational pull)Shes tanned for ten minutes and left. I kept dancing to Bruce and folding towels. Little did I know this Cougar wanted some meat that day and I would rather dance to Bruce Springsteen in a laundry room. I ended up only working at the gym like three more days. I'm happy I didn't get raped by a horny lady that resembled a giant carrot with Boobs.  The lord protected me and clearly I got Vitamin D other ways that year. The next Job I took was a janitor at a church. Cleaning up God's peoples fecal matter was not really that fulfilling.  I left the Methodist poop and went up to Maryville. I was a ref. for a bunch of drunk men in hhigh socks for a semester. Not a good job there either. I then got a Job in Maryville at a fitness center for about a week. They wanted me to open at six am so I left.I was very uncoachable in those times. I got a 57 dollar check from them. I then got a job in a business office at Maryville For about three days and left the town for Good. I wasn't meant to be in a town where at one point a bear had sex with a cat and a college was formed based off this myth. Next post I will talk about my return to Kansas City. The first part of my job history was intense. Theres plenty of more to come!!!!!Tune in next week for my tales of cleaning up poop in three counties!!!!

Saturday, February 25, 2012

The Man you Stupid Chronicles-15 cent in the house

Last week I talked about how biceps are not the way to a girl’s heart. Also on how it takes several 16 year old men to put in a light bulb, and 12 to figure out what a text message means. This week I dive into the idea and second goal on my worthless my list from 6 years ago. Number two on this list was


Looking back on such a dull statement I would like to clarify that I am not 50 cent. I am an awful rap sensation and with my pin head I can’t fit into any flat billed hat.  I’m now financially stable, but when this list was written I had probably 180 dollars in the bank. I was really racking in those dollars from the 6.25 an hour I was making at the Local Hy-vee. Most of my money from that time period went to Dollar Tree and my Chicken Strip fund. I think I only ate chicken strips for about a year span (toilet paper cost were at an all time high. Sorry Mom and Dad). I had bought eight Bruce Springsteen Cds at this point and clearly my loot was dwindling progressively.

I was such a douche at the age of 18.  Now I can careless about money. All I want is a job that can support me and future Boos.  I was a Business Major back than and thought this would help me become rich.  I learned to hate myself and money. At Northwest Missouri state (the world’s worst college in the world’s worst city) a bald man who wore turtle necks all the time made me realize my mind was much more complex than worrying about profit margins. You should have seen the eyebrow’s on this guy.  Ancient Alaska Natives could have walked across these eyebrows they were so thick. Another man who didn’t wear undershirts made me hate business as well.  He wore very thin shirts and had the largest nipples on a male Id  ever seen. His nipples attempting to teach me Business Calculus made me walk out of a math class. After eight weeks I couldn’t stare at those things anymore. They were like owl’s eyes in a very scary movie in a dark forest. They sent me running for the Hills. I never wanted to learn about money or giant male nipples again. I came back to Kansas City and declared my degree Psychology. Looking back now I can analyze and cognitively defeat the giant nipples so I was happy God brought me back.  I learned that wealth was not important to me and at some point I would be just fine with any degree financially.  I never would have thought that a man who looked like a turtle whose eyebrows conjoined continents, and Doctor Nipple Douche would make me hate Business and money all together.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

The Man You Stupid Chronicles

"Man you stupid"-LeBron James

Recently I got a call from my Italian Parents stating they wanted me to go clean out my own room (This means going through my old toy box and hiding my wolverine action figure). They were going to be panting it and fixing it up into a new room to sleep in. I am hoping that they didn’t turn it into some “Sexual Pit of Doom” (insert gross Viagra commercial). I got home and started to clean my dusty old room. I had about 5,000 NBA cards that didn’t have a home. As I was throwing away worthless aspects to my childhood I found a list I had made during the summer of 2006. It was my goals prior to starting Maple Woods (or as the local pot heads and nocturnal dirt people would say Maple Weeds, Even though I never saw a weed there due to the efforts of the superb grounds crew). The animalistic image driven 18 year old version of me wrote as follows:

1. Find a Hot ass Girl.

2. Get rich No matter what.

3. Get a badass job.

4. Get your abs back in.

If I could go back in time and challenge my 18 year old self to a fight in the octagon I would. I would kick myself right in the sack. What a worthless list of goals. Let’s break each of these so called wonderful goals down shall we. Over the next few weeks I will break down my thinking and make my former self tap out.

"In this corner we have the 5,10 140 lbs Douche with a low resting heart rate"

"In this corner we have the 5'10 181 lbs Douche who can't side step and will attack in straight planes only"

Find a Hot ass Girl.

This was a time in my life where I thought biceps were all you needed to talk to a woman. Clearly this concept didn’t work for me or the rest of all the gym rats out there. One time a girl texted me “Hey” and I had no idea what to do. I had to consult an entire grouping of adolescent males with Biceps. They say 12 biceps can match the power of the Human Brain (no one says that, this shows how dumb I really was). The common result of our theorizing was she wanted to have sex with me. That must have been IT. I hated my after school gym brigade. Biggest cluster of idiots you could ever meet. I like how this goal was made right before I went to Maple Woods. Maple Woods is a great intuition of learning, but as far as dating goals it’s no Boo Factory (I once had class with 4 Wal-Mart night employees).

(18 year old me talking to a local sandwich merchant)

“So you work at Subway”?

“Yeah it’s like amazing”.

“Yeah they got protein and shit there”(Really you’re going to woo her with amino acids references and fecal talk. Bravo you pale 140 lbs male who could name all 150 original Pok√©mon in an instantaneous yelp, but couldn’t get her number that day attempting to reference your loyalties to Italian Herbs and Cheese)

This was one of the many terrible instances where biceps did not get the girl. It takes verbal communication skills, confidence, and to not reference amino acids or your bowel movements in ANY WAY. “HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A HORSE TAKE A SHIT? YEAH MINES LIKE THAT BECAUSE IM TAKING THIS PROTEIN THAT MAKES ME SHIT LIKE A HORSE”(as you read this line at 50 gyms in the United States a male just stated this line attempting to get a girls number) As I learned from Doctor Robert Williams and many other people who influenced me I was doing everything wrong at age 18. Five years later things have gotten better. Reflecting is the best methodology of learning from your past mistakes. If your blind and feel your always right, attempt to wake up or make the person to the left of you slap you as hard as they can. I’ve made great mistakes in youthful dating, but will never make them again(Just because I like Bruce Springsteen Doesn’t mean a 17 year old girl from Liberty Missouri wants it for her birthday). I never had really any role models growing up, and my siblings and I were never close enough to learn from each other. My father taught me a great deal of useful life skill sets, but never how to speak to a lady or treat a woman the way they should be treated. I learned from shows like Boy Meets World and the Wonder Years (awful ways to learn about texting.) Males in this country need more role models and trainings to assist them through this difficult part of the lifespan. These next generations may feel like “There Sexy and they know it” and clearly they work out, but they will become lost without mentors or father figures. LeBron’s Dunks will teach you nothing world!!!!

Monday, February 13, 2012

"We feel in love in a bathroom line"

“A stallion must be broken before it reaches its highest potential”-Doctor Spock

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.  Im happy I didn’t go out and try to get a date like I did last year. I was stood up last Valentine’s Day two days after tearing my A.C.L. It was an interesting feeling because I had never been stood up before in my life. I sat alone watching the N.B.A. in an ironed gap shirt icing my knee. It was a pathetic sight.  It turns out the girl I was supposed to go out with decided she would rather go out with this guy who dropped out of High school. He got a job at a local Taco Bell to save up for a car. He didn’t have a license, so she had to go pick him up at taco bell. After I received this explanation in a two page text 2 hours after the time this girl was supposed to pick me up I began to laugh.  She was going to pick me up cause I was walking like a thirty pound dumbbell had fallen out of my ass, but she went to pick him up instead .Apparently my crutches and ace bandage couldn’t match his natural Sour cream smell.  I thought to myself this isn’t so bad being stood up. When I actually find the girl of my dreams everyday will be like Valentine’s Day with her. I think Valentine ’s Day is a desperate attempt for people to keep their relationship together in this country. If we don’t act like an Ass for three hours maybe well have a happier marriage. I don’t need to attempt to be a good man by buying chocolates and a ticket to a  Channing Tatum movie for some kind of weird sexual favor in return like 65% of men will attempt to do tomorrow.  I would rather not take out a girl who I met in a P.N.L. bathroom line right before I broke the seal.  Ill celebrate Valentine’s Day with friends until it’s time for a Boo. Plus I can’t have kids yet anyway, because I need to wait until Ellen Jacobson and Erica Deeney get teaching jobs so I know where to enroll my off spring. I want to have many kids in NBA apparel and Utah raptor hats getting 18%s in math to drive those women crazy!!!!

I don’t want to seriously date until I get my Bachelor’s degree and a solidified job. I see hundreds of my friends getting married. I would hate to be married at this age. (Pseudo Women “Hey dear turn off that damn Full house and get to Bed, David Coulier sucks. Come watch Roseanne” Me “Loud crying noises”). If a women tried to tell me I can’t eat fruit pie or go to quarter Sundays at the thrift store I would be increasing the divorce rate in this country ever so slightly.  Having a job or somewhat or a career started I feel is very necessary before one gets Booed up for life.  “Hey girl, my 98 dollar Hy-vee check came in. Let’s go way out and wild at the dollar tree tonight. Well get that grape jelly that turned your Uncle Dan Blind”.  I’m just saying people take your time out there. Develop yourselves a little bit so you don’t have to shop at dollar tree.

Final Thought

 All you young hipster couples out there about to be wed CUT OFF THEM SKINNY JEANS ATLEAST SIX MONTHS BEFORE YOUR WEDDING NIGHT!!!!!!!You don’t want to have six seamen left because your external boys haven’t gotten a hit of oxygen since the 9th grade.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

When I Grow up I want to be a.....

 "Gotta find me a future move out of my way"-Queen

As I type this a heavily annoying women has made three phone calls and clearly isn't working on anything important. Up until the age of 19 I wanted to be a zoologist. As I went to community college and discovered how much I really hated animals, the dream began to taper off. The older I got the more I discovered I didn't want to clean up elephant shit with a jumbo toilet brush from Sam's Club.  I then decided on business just cause the idea of money seemed good. Little did I know every d-bag goes into business, so I had no idea what would come next. At the age of 20 I decided to figure out who I was. I didn't start wearing ass less chaps and go lay in a tanning bed or anything, but I discovered I really liked Psychology. I declared this as my major after some awesome community college professors got me involved with human development.  After my final semester at Maple Woods Community College I decided I wanted to one day teach Human Development.  That final semester I learned alot of gross things about women and why I did the things I did at the time. My identity started to take shape. I wasn't ashamed of who I was and as my confidence grew so did my social yelps(A loud noise made by Italian men with small ears).  I love my new developed loud self who only feared large groups of fat women and used adult diapers(I have a terrible irrational fear that one day I will stumble upon where they place all the depends of the elderly and kids will be playing in it and I will freak out. I will yell get out of there but they will not listen).Anyway I found what I wanted to do and that's shape the minds of 18 years old and old people who have no idea what they want to do(they will probably just save there depends and throw them on my car after my first lecture).Teaching Human development means getting a MASTERS DEGREE! So now the search for the right school begins. When I grow up I want to be Myself. I want my natural creativity and poise and good posture to inspire young minds everywhere to seek a career that pleases them. People put to much placement on labels in our society. I want to be a DOCTOR, LAWYER,CLEAN ELEPHANT BUTT CRACKS,I WANT TO BE THE GUY WHO HIDES DEPENDS DIAPERS ALL OVER TOWN. Whatever you do with your life, don't change who you are.