Thursday, October 17, 2013

Deal with my Small Intestine.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I was wondering what was keeping me up? Oh yeah I ate 10 Pumpkin Doughnuts in three days.  It felt like a small bird was living in my stomach. My small intestine was making Woody Wood Pecker type noises.  Finally at 12:07 am I was able to goto the bathroom after 37 hours.  I actually shit out an entire pumpkin.  The stalk was the worst part. On a serious nature though, I felt so much relief.  My organs were clapping because that demon pumpkin dough feel was now gone.  After I took a pooh it felt like when Simba was born.  Elephants were playing trumpets and handing me rolls of toilet paper. I made a nonverbal internal deal with my small intestine yesterday to never eat a dozen doughnuts again!!!!If I hadn't gotten rid of those last two, I wouldn't be writing this. You have won this battle oh great pumpkin.  Charlie Brown never had shit problems like these...

Wednesday, October 16, 2013


I really don't give a crap about baseball.  It just so happens that I fell out of my mother on the North side of Chicago so I was born into Cubs land.  In my youth I liked Mark Grace and several others Cubs during life, when I was concerned about building small mouse huts for mice to stay in the winter. Upon my journey to Kansas City I brought my Mark Grace jersey with me.  I had milkable teenage man breast that expanded the jersey throughout youth. I was able to wear it all the way to my Junior year. While trying to just wear a shirt that brought out my eyes a bunch of Asshole St Louis Cardinal fans always made fun of me. Okay clearly your team is better.  I really don't care. My home city of Chicago is and will always be better than St. Louis. My final straw came with the St Louis Cardinals in the Fall of 2009. (This was the worst year of my exhistance and Joel and Adam Roth can back that up).  There was a girl at Dillards who use to come to my department and hit on my all the time.  It must have been my eyebrow poor distance vision that won her over. Anyone, on a lunch break she ate all my cheesecake one time(what a bitch) and asked me to take her out.  That night I was going to meet her on the Plaza for a date. I got there before she did and got a table.  She texted me saying she was going to be late, and to make sure I had a table near a T.V. She asked me, " Who are you routing for tonight :)"  I didnt even know baseball was on because it was NBA preseason and that was all that mattered to me. I said Texassssssssss because I hated St Louis so much because I remember kids making fun of my teenage Cubs man breasts... She simply responded "Fuck you" and never showed up to dinner.  So I will forever hate the Cardinals... Go every other team in Baseball!!!!I lost so much cheesecake, for such a evil person.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

The Proud Woods of Maple

Tonight I got three double cheeseburgers like I always get at Burger King and went and ate at Maple Woods. Most Northland kids who went there always insulted Maple Woods by calling it Maple Weeds, As I walked around there were no weeds. They have a great grounds crew. The only bad memory I have there was when I was walking and a herd of big women who were smoking took up the entire sidewalk and knocked me out of the way as I was walking my freshman year. This place is why I am the way I am today. Liberty High tried to make me love Math and Science and called me dumb if I didn't do well on a test.Logarithms will always be things that float in a toilet to me. The only Chemistry I will ever need to know is that Thundershock will never work on a Geodude.  Maple Woods instructors taught me everything important for adulthood except how to spell. I never learned that. For the Perfectionists who are internally correcting my writing feel free to go sit on a cactus for all I care. I finally was reached by teachers who probably smoked more pot than they should have, but there curriculum's ignited my soul. They inspired me to be myself wherever I go and that has always worked for me.  If I were to give up my creative ways to get a higher ACT score 7 years ago there wouldn't be 650 people coming to my wedding.  I'm not planning to get married anytime soon, but I got a lot of cool ass friends Ive made throughout my travels.  Six years ago today at Maple Woods I would be in Summer school taking six shits a day listening to Bruce Springsteen on my way to class.  I still do those things today. I will probably not be able to do them forever. I hope to not take six shits a day forever or otherwise toilet  paper cost will always lower my credit score.You can't buy this house because of the giant black hole in your ass... I hope to stay myself to the best of my abilities. Pokemon is not as cool as it once was. Very few kids I work with know what I'm talking about. M.J. is gradually fading as kids cheer for the traveling Lebron James. "Mes my favorite athlete" I'm sure is a quote hung in there lockers. NOT FOUR NOT FIVE NOT SIX was Lebron trying to count the number of head bands upon his head. Life is changing and my age is starting to show a little bit. I still don't want to change who I am.  My loyalty is to Maple Woods and I hope I can one day teach there.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

A look Back to the ACL!

ACL U....

On February 12 ,2011 I tore my Anterior Cruciate Ligament (Usage). This injury came after I made a really good pass to Derrick Forbis as I went to sidestep and celebrate such a pass I heard a pop in my knee. No orville redenbacher machines were present at this site of this pop so I knew it was my knee. I began to walk like a deer had been clipped by a Subaru Forrestar on 72ND in GLADS...TONE(That's right I'm using a side story of me killing a mammal for vivid imagery to display how strange I was walking). It felt really painful. I tried to do the manly thing in front of the cute front desk girls by trying to walk it off. There was no sawg in that walk that day. I was walking like one of those kids at the Chuckie Cheese who shit his pants in the ball pit and is attempting to find his parents who are drinking in the animatronic mouse portion of the restaurant. I had to flee the scene. Sorry Vivion Road drivers about my driving that day. It was worse than ever. I scheduled a Doctor appointment immediately. His feathered hair and sweater vest told me everything I needed to know that day. The conversation was lacking. This man let me know he made 150,000 a year and I worked in a freezer at HY-Vee.He said many acronyms that most stupid people would never know about,but watching Michael Jordan and the Nba since the womb I knew what A.C.L.s were. Apparently I tore my meniscus as well. I knew what these were, but if I had to spell them in a spelling bee I would not even be accepted on stage. As I would try to walk on stage the judges would be like nice try buddy and throw me off stage. I had to have surgery. So I notified my current collegiate cheer squad my six game stint with them was now over. No more maroon stretchy pants for me or yelping at people with my small Italian thumbs.Glad I was apart of Park Cheer. I loved my time with those hot chicks and the current Prince of Angola. I never got my Auto Tune mega pone but one can still dream! For the next week I had to walk like I had to much to eat at the Home Town Buffet and my stomach had committed suicide, The people let me know what they thought of my ability to walk. Chris Evans had the best line "You walk like you have a Dick in your ass"!That was good to hear as a came up Copley Hill. Abby and many others had great empirical interpretations of my walk as well. I had surgery a week later at Liberty Hospital over spring break.Most people go to the beach for their Spring Breaks and I decided to go to my parent's basement without the ability to walk. Good thinking Matt. TBS comedies and Italian parents watching Jon Wayne movies to three AM is a suitable sight for recovery
NOT AT ALL). The surgery went well. I decided to delay the A.C.L. surgery through summer so I could work. So my meniscus was recovered before A.C.L. For 7 months the Meniscus was probably giggling and heckling the A.C.L. saying things like hahaha I can go in straight planes again and you cant side step Bitch. Summer was int resting.I couldn't play sports. Many inferior athletes were defeating me at sports upon my own lands because my abilities were only stationary. The inability to side step can enable you s much. I had to think about every action before I did anything. Not having the ability to side step ruined EBDS only concert because I couldn't woe the crowd with my usual aerial antics. People always wanted to play capture the flag this summer. I was the worst person out there. I took on the archetype of that kid who got picked for sports in middle school. It was down to me,the kid with no thumbs, and the kid who had been smoking since the second trimester of birth. Those kids got picked before me for anything it seemed like all summer. Even though Summer sucked athletically, I still had a fun time socially. I went to Brass Rail alot and I got to go to Vegas. Damn you Cinnabun!!!! I gained seven pounds in Vegas cause the Cinnabun was next to my hotel. Brock's Wedding was amazing! Congrats to my Boss and his Booness for Life. Nikki Ms next single will be"Can I Have this BOONess for life. I want to thank my Doctor for him fixing my knee because it allowed me to dance with Mel Burns so thank you Doctor! The semester went well. I finally passed Stats a class based on how a bunch of men saw a triangle during an Orgy but whatever. Made alot of new friends and with Alex Hall and Paul finding Boos from Maryville(the worlds worst city) I know longer hate the Bearcat. If I do ever encounter one though I will kick its ass without a doubt. Even though Breena Lawson cut off the metaphoric wings of the pegasus they will grow back. Im excited to have a new A.C.L and be able to side step this summer. Im excited about my new job and things to come. Thanks for the help during this attempted side step in my life!!! I got some good Friends. P.S. mary you better hang my Shaq poster up or a metaphoric Pegasus will place his droppings on your all white CAR HAHA.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Grad School

Recently I have been accepted to a graduate program. Im very excited about this opportunity. I had a graduate interview at another local institution. It was not expecting it to go so bad. I have had 23 interviews in my life for various activities and jobs. My worst interview I ever had was for Park University’s spirit squad. I essentially free styled for some blonde women and did a ninja roll on a hard wood floor. Such mumbo jumbo worked because I got a scholarship for it (unfortunately that Ninja roll didn't lead too much because I tore my A.C.L. 5 weeks later and never cheered again. Those 4 games were probably the worst in History). Another really bad interview I had was to be a birthday party coordinator at a gymnastic school. For some reason they hired me on as a coach. I had no experience in being flexible, or even falling gracefully. I was fired immediately after my first coaching shift because I had the kids on the trampoline doing front and back ninja rolls. I than received a check for 16$ in the mail 3 weeks later. I could have told the lady I had no experience in the realm of gymnastics, but such a question was never asked in the interview. To this day I’m still baffled by this interview.
This gentleman who interviewed me didn't even talk really about my Psychology background. He didn't even ask questions about my experiences in a self-contained classroom or about career aspirations. The first question he asked me was “ SO I SEE YOU DIDN’T DO SO WELL IN COLLEGE ALLGEBRA HOW COME? My response was than Yeah I missed about a third of the class because I couldn't drive to class due to having knee surgery. Than I explained how I couldn't afford to retake it. I than explained to him I was never good at math. I can’t help it I had an awful teacher in 6th and 7th grade. I had a disgruntled old man who retired the year after are class.. He yelled at us all the time and said we wouldn't ever go to college. I now understand he suffered from erectile dysfunction and had lost a coupon to save 7 cents a pound on oranges in 2001. He will never be on those Viagra boat commercials because he was an asshole .I was busy drawing pictures of Pok√©mon and talking to chicks. They didn't date my fat self-back then, but I sure made them laugh. Most girls back than were a foot taller than me and didn't want to listen to my Bon Jovi Cds on my bus. I remember one time I was sitting in the back of the bus and the batteries on my Cd player fell out. A girl who was sitting across from me took them and put them down her shirt and she insisted on my coming to grab them. Sadly her sex drive was two years ahead of mine. I just told her to keep them. I was more concerned about Goku’s Power levels and eating a corn dog than retrieving my dollar general batteries which only had about 6 minutes left on them anyway. How come he didn't ask about that in the interview? Than another thing he talked about how I probably wouldn't be able to keep my job or my girlfriend. He said she would probably leave cause of all the stress in my life. That’s optimistic isn't it? So after my interview I threw the T-Shirt they gave me out of my window somewhere on 87th and Metcalf. The birds wouldn't even use such a T-Shirt for their nests because it reeked of despair. Thankfully I got into the program that I wanted and the lady who talked to me on the phone didn't tell me I should try harder on Math and tell my girlfriend to leave me.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

There is no such thing as an Italian ring tailed Lemur?

Today I received a text from my girlfriend stating she wanted to tree climb tomorrow!!! The opportunity sounds amazing. I can't wait to prove to the world I can still climb. Years ago before I hit my third puberty, I was a good climber. Than the lord rewarded me with a big butt and hairy thighs . Since I have received an official pair of natural pants I must wear every day of my life, every time I do an athletic move about 17-39 hairs rip out of my body. These numbers have no evidence to support the claim but it hurts every time I move.Since I got really hairy, I don't like to climb as much. Also Since I have been rewarded with a natural pants no one would ever buy, I tore my hamstring,meniscus and A.C.L. I have had to brave the elements since I wanted to cut that leg off. This winter my girlfriend and I went ice skating with many other couples. It was our first large group date and I had never told Amanda I couldn't ice skate. The last three times I had gone to Crown Center previous to this date I would always fall 3-5 times on my first lap and than run to Crown Center in shame. I am still waiting for the Australian Store to get some Hugh Jackman merchandise but its yet to come. I would always go to the toy store by myself and look and the mini animal collection waiting for my friends to text me. Such an escape couldn't happen now that I was on a real date. Upon the first lap Amanda noticed I was like a guy who had eaten to much applesauce the day of.(In elementary school there was a kid I knew who had to much applesauce one day and he crapped his pants. Everyone loves applesauce BUT THERE ARE LIMITS) Before I would fall I would squat real low and I looked like I was regretting eating to much apple sauce. A Beautiful girl had to stand beside a defecating poor balanced hairy Italian man who just wanted to go look at some toys.  Well tomorrow I will not eat apple sauce. I will climb the highest tree at Loose Park for this girl. Giant hips and all I will prove the hipsters and the unemployed drifters of the park I can climb!!!! Geese are my natural enemy. They will know I am vulnerable in climb mode, so if they want to attack me tomorrow bring it on!!I will fling applesauce upon them from the heavens!!!(If you're just reading my blog I don't like geese cause one time I had to shovel geese poop for two hours in front of an entire elementary school and the small royals hat I wore that day couldn't cover my shame. I vow to get back at the geese who lay ed there applesauce down at Southeast elementary).I will climb a tree for my girl. Sliding on frozen water is a different story. I never want to appear like that deer who had been hit by a car but still lives with the herd. That's what I looked like trying to Ice skate at crown center.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Adults must wear hoods??

Healing opportunities can be disguised as people who really piss you off. Pay attention because they could be your greatest teachers-Gabrielle Bernstein

Recently I have been reading a book called MAY CAUSE MIRACLES. It has been an amazing read for me so far and I'm only five days in out of the 40 day guidebook within the book. I recommend this book for anyone in a transition in their life like I am. I recently graduated in May and had no idea what I was going to do with my life. I was shoveling Geese Shit at a local school hoping my Royals hat would cover up my shame, but since I have a pinhead the world saw my anguish. I was going to either join the Air Force or try to move to Colorado with my tall British friend who thinks I can barely read, but I met a girl. I met a girl at my friends coming home party. She was the most attractive girl I ever saw who was interested in talking to a boy with sweat stains under a 4 dollar old navy faded Bulls shirt. I ate about 13-19 chicken nuggets in front of this Vegetarian and had no idea. Besides talking about horny flat billed wearing college athletes from Park University on our first date it has worked out.  She has brought back the passion in my eyes. Its like the song JUKE BOX HERO. I got stars in my eyes again. I recently hit a little snag cause I don't like my current job but its time to take the G.R.E. I was going to try to keep this job while in Grad School but its to stressful. So a job that I enjoy where I don't have to get up at 5:45 in the morning and have the pooping patterns of a 76 year old would be nice for once.What the book may cause miracles has done for me has helped me see Love where I go instead of fear. I don't have fear at my current job, but its not what I want to do with my whole life.  I want to pursue my dreams but gradually and do it properly. I recently lived in a house where I couldn't sleep so I decided to move home for free.The house is an amazing house but its not my house. I want my own house. There were more pubes in the shower than the hours I slept in the house ..Having to play hackey sack with my MALE roommates luffas everyday was not a pleasure of mine since testicle germs on my feet freaked me out. When a combination of old tooth paste and hair mix in a sink and hot soap and water cant stop it you know its not good. I think that a creature formulated in the sink and destroyed downtown Parkville. The only way to stop the sink creature is to obtain the power of the THUNDER SNOW from Kansas City. KIDDING, but its easier to drive 17 extra minutes a day.The sink finally got fixed and helped with the creature. I want to try to have my own house and pube free bathroom by August or live in the City Market area with Jon MOON. Cant wait for summer Love,Volleyball and NBA Finals and Beef Jerky. KEEP YOUR DREAMS ALIVE KANSAS CITY!!! Its time to get things done.

STARTED TO SELL MY TOY COLLECTION. If anyone wants some cool shit for their offspring check EBay or with Alex Hall.

Saturday, January 5, 2013


A fine Automobile took its last ride from Shawnee Mission/RoeLand Park area to liberty on December 26. Upon Its journey home it began to overheat and shake coming home during rush hour. The next day it made it to be traded in.. 1,500 is what the old  SPORT UTILITY WAGON got. Take that Jeff Paul. It was still sporty. 142,000 miles the car had went. It had took the lives of many woodland creatures with it through out its Journey, I hit well over 10 raccoons, an entire gaggle of Geese crossing a Major Highway.Two of the four deer who ran out in front of me on the worst date of my life. Thanks alot sweat hands.  I hit a night pigeon or something on Highway B in Kearney in 2006 that saved my virginity from a tall abnormal trophy wench of the North. Her delicate touch fell short to the Soulful night swallow who's intestine bled my windshield up more than that awful wood chipper seen in Fargo. That can kill an erection faster than anything you have ever imagined, Even for a horny 17 year old boy who knows nothing better than Pokeman and Ben Gordons Fg%. Im Sorry Subaru about hitting the four mail boxes, I hit in our time together. Its hard to learn to Park when your Dad's smoking a Cigar and talking about Chicago in the 1980s.  You never held another drink after that Lummox of a Women broke your cup holder in the back. You saved Joel and Adam Roth that day little cup holder, they just never knew it. I'm sorry that fat Indian Boy next store  who ripped your carpet because he drags his horse feet around with him when he walks. Silent on his feet he is not.because hes not even remotly Indian in any form. 142000 miles,36 Women,24 jobs,7 years of stanky ass chain gang members(Dan Read and Tim had awful  pungent youthful scents) Stanky Ass and lack of soap + Axe body spray is much more of a foul sent than the Tigers Den at the Kansas City zoo.An equation no math teacher would like to solve. We salute you old Friend!!!!  Sorry for the Mustard stain. I had weird thumbs and the central nervous system of a lost cold goat because both my parents smoked when I was watching Jurassic Park for 5 years in a basement. Your Replacement is a good man. His name is Jimmy Butler  because hes my new favorite Chciago Bull.  a Chevy Sonic 2012 is the new guard in town. He is a Sonic even though he is the color of Knuckles.. Sorry Sega fans...

Tonight, tonight the strip's just right
I wanna blow 'em off in my first heat
Summer's here and the time is right
For racin' in the street-Bruce Springsteen!!!!!!!!!