Monday, December 3, 2012

Cave Women Vs. Neck Pubes

An irrational fear  of mine is my Italian neck hair. After recently hitting my third puberty my neck hair has been out of control.  I have been dating my awesome girlfriend for 4 months now and previous to us dating I had gotten word that she was going to be coming to my friends birthday party.  As I got word from my T-Mobile text message(Having Tmobile the text may have come from a year ago but my neck has was awful, so I preceded to call my haircut lady Ashley) I couldn't reach her through my 30 dollar cell phone. My next step was carrier pigeon. I have only seen Pigeons in Riverside and there was no way I was about to even get near a creature that resides in Riverside. I would instantaneously catch Lockjaw from the bird and metal would not even be in the transaction. Damn the ecosystems of Riverside. So with an hour until the event I drove to Fantastic Sams.(Nothing was fantastic about the establishment and none of the three workers who were there names were Sam and not even remotely close to such a name.)  The giant women who was going to cut my hair scared the living hell out of me. She was probably a division three athlete who had to leave college early because she broke her coaches dick off in a roid rage. Now she has been given a sharp utensil, a tarp, and a room full of mirrors at here disposal which made my neck pubes quiver like Italian neck hair can only do upon a cold winters night. She asked what I wanted and I preceded to tell her just a hair buzz hoping she wasn't going to cut my throat and harvest my seaman and blood for Winter or something. Anyway the hair was cut by the cave dwelling women and Amanda didn't end up showing to the Birthday party I was going too.  Guys Girls don't mind the neck pubes unless you just give up on hygiene.  Date women who like you for who you are!!!! Its amazing when you do!!! Before I met this girl I thought all women talked about Pintercrest,dick sizes,laundry soap smells and how they want to have sex with Edward the Vampire. Alteast 45% of women talk about those things but there are good women out there.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Skanks love wheelie backpacks don't they Lance??

I feel Lance Armstrong is done with all his spandex short. The shorts were donated to a skanky dress foundation through the lands. I recently acquired  my gorgeous classy tall girlfriend through a sociological draft, and she asked me to accompany her to the dance where women decided to leave their underwear home for the night’s festivities. . There was actually a sign that said Y.O.L.O. LEAVE YOUR UNDERWEAR AT THE DOOR. At the social venue I was at the majority of the dresses I saw were made of old Lance Armstrong shorts held up by old live strong bracelets.(Not really but the nips and crotch regions were probably the only things really covered up) The small surfaced area dresses cover up enough skin to distinguish the women from prostitutes, but still a lot of flesh was showing. Flesh isn’t bad if you’re at P.B.R. and not wanting to go home that night with the mechanical Bull, but this was an attempt at a college formal. If you’re going to grind your drunken frat boy’s boner on a dance floor you could at least be classy about it.(There is no non skanky way to be classy about grinding)  Grinding could be a good form of dancing when you’re fifteen and get an erection every 12 minutes.  If you’re an adult act like an adult, and not like you lost your virginity in the Toys R US parking lot listening to Never Say Never!!!!!! That Giraffe is just such a temptress. One of these days Victoria will not have a secret because there won’t be underwear to sell. Even manikins will be out of work because they will just be naked all the time. I could see news feed on C.N.N. ROMNEY GETS MANIKIN VOTE PROMOSISES MORE JOBS.150  Manikin’s died last year because they burned alive working in the firework business. DAMN YOU SKANKS WHO VOTED FOR OBAMA.


Wheelie Backpacks are not necessary. In the very computer lab where I am typing this blog post a women just ran into my chair with a wheelie backpack and had the expression on her face like I wasn’t sitting in far enough.  I’m sorry I just had three chili dogs for lunch and I don’t want to sit like I am getting a personal hemlock maneuver. Maybe I want to Facebook chat and not shit my pants lady…. I’m sorry I can do squats again and my ass is growing. The lady doesn’t need a Wheelie Backpack.  I forgot Park University has an Airport and 79 passengers are waiting on her to fly them out of here. It’s a five minute walk across campus lady.  I know you had to park at the second terminal today and walk it in but my gosh you still have time to stop by Starbucks.  Oh wait its called Pirate Grounds. I’ve never had a wheelie backpack and never will. I have luggage that’s on wheels but its Luggage.  I saw Quasimodo walking to class today. He didn’t even have a wheelie Backpack. I want to personally go around and steal the left tire or flatten every small tire on every wheelie backpack in the city. The small wheel business can personally bring us out of a recession if I blow up 30,000 mini tires. MANIKINS BACK TO WORK MAKING TIRES!!!  I want to be the first man with recycled tires on my mini wheelie backpack. Are those wheels?? No there week old bagel bites.  Basically the entire premise of this week’s message is don’t be a skank and get a real fucking backpack for once J

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

No Maintenance Men Don't have Leprosy

The other day I was walking to get a drink in one of the elementary schools I work at, and a little boy asked me "Hey who are you?" I wanted to respond I am a loud fool, who is poor at math, who can't drive at Night nor swim in the deep end.  I simple responded I work outside. Little did that child know that the ones who read him Cat In The Hat also portray me as a Leper. Yeah the Bicycle Apartments are a Leper colony and I am in charge of the mutant Olympics. Me and my team of Hunchbacks are looking really good at Volleyball this year. I wanted to respond I keep geese from fornicating, and clean up the rubbish of the local section 8 indigenous tribes of Riverside. Shot Gun Shells are Burger King ketchup have never stopped me before.It was interesting when this boy questioned my identity. I know my strengths very clearly ,but have yet to utilize them. I have obtained my 30,000 piece of paper from Park University that states I can read and know how to apply honey mustard to various dead animals, but why haven't I found a career job? My indolent ways and calling people DINKUS have made me loose my social Perspective. I still want to be a Clinical Psychologist. I don't want to shovel Geese poop in 50 cent Royals floppy hats the rest of my life. This fall is my time to shine. I have been slown down by an A.C.L. tear and getting a  D- in a stats class because I was to drunk in Vegas to do my homework!!! I didn't know Baileys was so good. Alcoholic coffee?? You mean I keep getting drunk and staying up? My mind must have had Tmobile that night because there were a alot of dropped calls. My bladder was probably calling at 2 am. WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?I am going for my Masters.  When teachers look at me and Go green eggs and ham? I will simple say I don't give a Damn!!I can read cat in the Hat too and I am planning on teaching classes on Alexander the Great, and how to develop the strengths of your personality. I don't want kids walking in my classes wearing tap out shirts questioning why there isn't a cat in my hat. I HAVE A PINHEAD!!! If there is some form a dwarf cat I am not yet aware of no cat is fitting in my hat.

Monday, August 20, 2012

The Mighty Geese?

"Well, I shoveled shit in Louisiana."George Patton

Geese are the neck hair of the animal Kingdom!!! No one wants them around. Today Me, a floppy hat,the music of Colbie Colliet , and a flat shovel had to embark upon the most grotesque 2 hours of my young adult  life. An entire gaggle, flock,V, whatever you want to call it flew into a parking lot at the school I work at and shat everywhere. It smelled worse than a hipster after a day of Frisbee in direct sunlight. Children and several teachers saw me grunting at this tragedy.  Perhaps all these Geese had eaten Taco Bell the Night before? I can understand Nickelback is from Canada. I would have left too.Either way these vermin need to find a new home.   Emilio Estavez never stared in a movie about mighty Geese...I know he hasnt worked in awhile so maybe he can make a movie about getting ride of Geese. All the child actors of the Mighty Ducks could probably come help me get ride of these vagabonds.  I have always been a Duck man. Now more so than ever.  The only famous Geese in history are the Geese from that God Awful Movie " Fly Away Home".Luckily all those Geese from that Movie are now dead and no one has referenced that movie since this Blog post.  Ive have never FELT LOWER THAN CLEANING UP THE EXCREMENT OF FUTURE PILLOWS IN THE EYES OF CHILDREN.  "Mommy whats that scummy man doing?" "Oh he went to Park University don't worry about him. No but for real such an experience would make a man get a Masters degree faster than you could say Justin Beiber.My plan now is to get in contact with the Aflac Duck and raise a standing army of Ducks and former child stars to take down the Geese.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

August Big time Rushing around!!!

I would like to clarify this post has nothing to do with that movie where that kid tries to get his parents back together by playing the violin(May not be the same movie don't quote me on that. Maybe even the parent trap). This was the quickest Summer on record for me in Missouri.Alot of Winsteads and Two K 12 was played. It was also the hottest.  It always looked like I just ate Tasty Thai when people saw me, but I was actually just walking to check the mail. It was a very sweaty time for everyone. My pool was closed at three random times. People need to stop giving Birth in public pools. Switch back to hay, it worked in the 1890s!!Common society some of us just want to drink Mondos and talk about N.B.A. I am happy a vast majority of my friends will return to the dorms soon. Volleyball will be super fun when English landing gets their courts open. Even though I have the A.C.L. of a dead hobo it is still fun. I play like I'm 47.Last summer was bad when my A.C.L. was torn. I walked liked I had to go work in a bell tower and it seems even the worst of  the worst had something to say about my Quasi Moto movements.Some people had the hand eye coordination of a mole ,yet I was stationary and inferior.Just to be able to play I had to wrap my knee in several Dollar General ace bandages. For the first summer in my life I didn't buy new shorts on tax free weekend. Every summer my butt grows and I cant wear normal people pants.It is like those things you buy that grow 600% in warm water. I have the butt of a 227 lbs man and it gets worse as time goes on. Luckily Ive lost 16 pounds this year since surgery. Last year it seemed like every retail store I went in I heard the song "Edge of Glory". I hate short shopping. Being a flexed man trying to buy clothes amongst  middle schoolers was awful. I essential boxed out youth to get to the trying room.  Kids would tweet "OMG!!! This big butted Man totally just cut us in line"Hash Tag Big Butted man sits on horse and kills it at little girls birthday party. Such an event has yet to happen in my life, but it could soon. This summer I have awakened spiritually. Ive read several books and I really want to grow. I don't want my Butt to  grow anymore, but my faith and kindness.Looking into a Mission trip for the first time. Ive done some local ones before, but cutting a bagel for an old person only has so much complexity to it. "Mam would you like cream cheese?" "Are you Tom Cruise??Hope everyone has safe travel upon the way to school.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Skank OFF

I recently witnessed my very first skank off!!! These women that I was amongst went dead silent at the very sight of each other. I barely know them, but I know they like to speak loud and be the center of attention. At the event I was at 13 people were present. It was amazing because I barely knew anyone there, but I got the low down from some worthless side characters.  These women apparentlyy slept with the same man within the last year. That very act silenced the crowd. It was awesome. Imagine if a third skank would have been there? Triple threat match in the HELL IN THE CELL  and the winner gets to go Facebook Official with the man whore himself. SKANK OFF 2012 . I love human Behavior. Tranquil avoidance is always classic.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

You mean im still thirsty after Thursday?

Out into the great wide open,A rebel without a clue-Tom Petty.

Hello everyone!! I am back after three months of young adulthood using my external parts like a hacky sack. Taking two 400 level courses and working 6 am to 2 does not allow alot of time to talk about sex and young adulthood online. I was still able to work through all of the responsibility after it hit.  Now Im back. Life is good right now. I enjoy my current job because I work with more ground hogs than people. I have obscure tan lines and a wasp stung my butt and its still strange to sit even as I type this post... We as 18-25 year olds enter into a very important summer. The Summer of "oh god now I have to pay for bread".  I have seen more engagements this early summer than  I have seen in any other beginning of summer ever.Jarrod you dirty Bastard!!!!!.Lar ge friend groups are starting to break up at fast rates. Its interesting to see how everything willunfold.As peoples age grows some girls are deciding to wear more clothes and others are deciding to still vomit in the streets of P.N.L. at 4 am wearing nothing but two handkerchiefs and a price chopper bag as there bottoms. Its fun to go out, but just be safe out there girls. Theirs are a lot of horny dudes lurking in the shadows and there all assassins, because they can make you "Tap Out".Their shirt specifies there very important skill sets already. Another pattern you will see is all the girls who have fakes who drink themselves crazy start to realize around 21 that their body can't handle such a lifestyle and they begin to cut back. Those are the best crews of girls to go out with. The experienced veteran girls who still enjoy life, but don't vomit on the floor of your Subaru(Yes that happened one time(thanks a lot Maryville Missouri)).So gentleman who do wear pants who aren't creepy look for those type of girls to party with or chill with. Another gathering of girls you will see at the club are the super horny 21-25 year old girls who waited to drink until the legal age and can't handle the maturation behind it. You can only watch Gilmore Girls so long until there is a freak out.These women seek marriage after six months of dating so they can go back to watching the Gilmore Girls. Damn you ABC FAMILY!!! BEWARE GENTS!!! A group or trend I have noticed in Kansas City is the 21-28 year old crew of married people or engaged folks. They travel in couples of 4- 6 an our usually former frat brothers that work at the same firm or company and bring their Boo's with them. I don't ride with that crowd much because I still haven't met the Mutant artistic Blonde Ive been dreaming of.  Until Next time Later Kansas City!!!

Monday, March 12, 2012

Personal Narrative

The Man You Stupid Chronicles will finish up later this week. Heres my testimony for some who haven't heard it.

Baptism is a powerful word. Up until a week ago I really couldn’t spell it properly. The meaning behind my terrible interpretation of this word was quite significant! Growing up I never got a chance to get baptized or really discover Jesus and his teachings. Michael Jordan retired so we moved to Missouri was how I saw it, even though it was for my Father’s career. I moved to Liberty Missouri at age 12 with all 150 Pokémon caught and had no idea what was in store for the rest of my life. My parents took us to Church growing up but I never really blended into the Youth Group Circuit. I had a great group of Peers from Liberty and we all kept each other out of trouble which was good and with my parent’s authoritative backing I made good decisions even though Christ was still not my center. I got more exposed to Christ and Church a little bit my senior year by going to F.C.A. All I got out of that though was some free bagels and tall blonde women’s Numbers.
It was in a Philosophy Class at Maple woods where my first thoughts formulated upon my rebirthing of the soul and development of my spiritual Identity started to assimilate. A professor said “Matthew your ancestors use to Be Mud and then Millions of Years later they became Fish”. I replied with “Well 3 days ago I guess I killed my uncle with a Hook through the Eye”. Sadly this triggering event is what led me to Bible Study. I knew there was a deeper meaning to the universe. A great metamorphism began to occur to me as I seeked God for the first time. As my maturation occurred so did my belief in God’s word. After my time came to an end at Maple Woods I decided to go to Maryville Missouri for collegiate development. It was an archaic city with scan dally clad women and God was setting a pick for me to roll Home. I got the memo. I went to one Church up there and a pastor told me to burn all my Secular Cds!!!I went back to my dorm room and looked at my Bruce Springsteen’s greatest hits and said Cant do It!!!Till this day I still question the validity of a Bearcat!
I returned to Kansas City and transferred to Park. A sigh of relief hit my soul when I stepped foot on the Campus. With several hIlls and T mobile lacking everywhere I went I found very unique batch of people. Everywhere I went had pleasant conversation. Me and my flexed friend Tim stumbled upon a man named Ben Zibers. He invited us to play Frisbee on a Thursday. We decided to go and it was awesome. There were a bunch of people my age running around. I hadnt really seen this behavior before and I was excited to play. I went to the campus ministry known as revive over the following month and it was a great feeling. I still didn’t really know anyone. I had the opportunity to goto Missouri Fall Getaway which was a college Christian Weekend thing. There The Park folk and I meshed well because they were impressed with my ability to drink apple cider. As a year and a half went by I made the best friends I had ever met in my whole life. There uniqueness and quest to follow God motivated me quite well. With several free meals and classes together God had put amazing people in my life. I finally felt accepted and the Holy Spirit moved through us unlike my days when I use to hang out at Hardy’s in Gladstone. Life has been amazing each day. I stumbled upon restore last semester and really liked it. With an awful Retail schedule selling Reba Mcantire Sheets, I had to miss several weeks. I found a new job and was allowed to go again to the Church I was starting to want to stay at!!  I was on Board for restore when my tall blonde British friend Emma wanted to attend Restore.  When I saw my friend Derrieck Forbis get baptized about a month ago from a Pastor who liked the Chicago Bulls and sang Foreigner on stage, I knew it was time for me to take the plunge even though I swim like a River Otter that got hit by an F150.   I’ve been quite blessed this year and I hope this Baptism cleanses my soul.  Its time to allow God to be my center and seek His name everyday, for the rest of my life upon this Surface.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Man You Stupid Chronicles-Thats alot of JOBS Part 1

Look at the size of my wallet-Jay Sherman

Number three on the list I found that day was "Get a bad ass job"Such a task has yet to be complete. I am finally receiving my B.A. of arts in Psch in May after three transfers,moving four times and two knee surgeries.  Looking back over the last seven years I have had some weird and awful jobs. Hy-vee,the Y.M.C.A. Liberty Public Schools and Brock Smith have been very good to me. The rest I cant say the same about. My very first job was working in a bakery with the worst Native American ever, my  best friend Dan Read. We learned very little about life and ended up fatter after the job because Dan decided to get paid in food. The 7-14 dollars I made a week were good for my dollar store runs, but wasn't starting the bank account I had always dreamed of.
The next year after that I worked at Hy-vee and never really should have left there. After a year of Chicken strips and hitting on women who didn't know how to apply makeup yet I was on my way. I learned how to push carts and to never put a bag of chips under a can of chili again. Over the next year I briefly worked passing out flyer's at a local gym. I did an awful job with that. One time I had to take all the brochures off of these cars down town because a man in spandex shorts said it was against the law. He had a flashlight I thought he would shove up my butt so I listened to the man(I have an irrational fear of spandex. I feel its a seaman killer like Jean shorts so I will never wear it. I want amazing children).The next time I passed out brochures, me and my friend Bret with one testicle passed out 1000 brochures in peoples Mail boxes. You weren't suppose to do that. They should have been put on doors instead. I lost the brochures job and began to hold signs for K-Mart. It was a solid job, but my 127 pound frame at the time was taking a beating from the November cold(Maybe Martha Stewart could have actually bought me a jacket or something.That's why she was sent to jail). I ended up going back to work for the Fitness center. I handed out more brochures and worked there desk for about 16 days.  The only cool thing about that job was one time a women seduced me, but I was to dumb to understand anything. It was like 15 minutes before closing time and this smoking hot women came in to tan. we talked for like five minutes and I made her laugh like I usually do with most people(women from the ages of 30-42 will probably one day capture me and sacrifice me to some Cougar God or something. I always get hit on by horny midlifes and very few women my own age).She kept saying "YOU KNOW I TAN NAKED"and kept talking about oils and stuff(my socially awkward 18 year old self was blind).  She went back to tan and I began to listen to Bruce Springsteen and fold laundry. She called me back to the tanning bed and said it wasn't working.(She clearly knew how to work such machines. Little did I know It was a Sexual trap). As I got into the tanning bed I noticed the women was completely naked sitting in a chair smiling at me more spread than a cheese display at a Packers party. I simply said ALL YOU DO IS HIT THE BUTTON AND LEFT THE ROOM.( luckily her vagina didn't have a gravitational pull)Shes tanned for ten minutes and left. I kept dancing to Bruce and folding towels. Little did I know this Cougar wanted some meat that day and I would rather dance to Bruce Springsteen in a laundry room. I ended up only working at the gym like three more days. I'm happy I didn't get raped by a horny lady that resembled a giant carrot with Boobs.  The lord protected me and clearly I got Vitamin D other ways that year. The next Job I took was a janitor at a church. Cleaning up God's peoples fecal matter was not really that fulfilling.  I left the Methodist poop and went up to Maryville. I was a ref. for a bunch of drunk men in hhigh socks for a semester. Not a good job there either. I then got a Job in Maryville at a fitness center for about a week. They wanted me to open at six am so I left.I was very uncoachable in those times. I got a 57 dollar check from them. I then got a job in a business office at Maryville For about three days and left the town for Good. I wasn't meant to be in a town where at one point a bear had sex with a cat and a college was formed based off this myth. Next post I will talk about my return to Kansas City. The first part of my job history was intense. Theres plenty of more to come!!!!!Tune in next week for my tales of cleaning up poop in three counties!!!!

Saturday, February 25, 2012

The Man you Stupid Chronicles-15 cent in the house

Last week I talked about how biceps are not the way to a girl’s heart. Also on how it takes several 16 year old men to put in a light bulb, and 12 to figure out what a text message means. This week I dive into the idea and second goal on my worthless my list from 6 years ago. Number two on this list was


Looking back on such a dull statement I would like to clarify that I am not 50 cent. I am an awful rap sensation and with my pin head I can’t fit into any flat billed hat.  I’m now financially stable, but when this list was written I had probably 180 dollars in the bank. I was really racking in those dollars from the 6.25 an hour I was making at the Local Hy-vee. Most of my money from that time period went to Dollar Tree and my Chicken Strip fund. I think I only ate chicken strips for about a year span (toilet paper cost were at an all time high. Sorry Mom and Dad). I had bought eight Bruce Springsteen Cds at this point and clearly my loot was dwindling progressively.

I was such a douche at the age of 18.  Now I can careless about money. All I want is a job that can support me and future Boos.  I was a Business Major back than and thought this would help me become rich.  I learned to hate myself and money. At Northwest Missouri state (the world’s worst college in the world’s worst city) a bald man who wore turtle necks all the time made me realize my mind was much more complex than worrying about profit margins. You should have seen the eyebrow’s on this guy.  Ancient Alaska Natives could have walked across these eyebrows they were so thick. Another man who didn’t wear undershirts made me hate business as well.  He wore very thin shirts and had the largest nipples on a male Id  ever seen. His nipples attempting to teach me Business Calculus made me walk out of a math class. After eight weeks I couldn’t stare at those things anymore. They were like owl’s eyes in a very scary movie in a dark forest. They sent me running for the Hills. I never wanted to learn about money or giant male nipples again. I came back to Kansas City and declared my degree Psychology. Looking back now I can analyze and cognitively defeat the giant nipples so I was happy God brought me back.  I learned that wealth was not important to me and at some point I would be just fine with any degree financially.  I never would have thought that a man who looked like a turtle whose eyebrows conjoined continents, and Doctor Nipple Douche would make me hate Business and money all together.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

The Man You Stupid Chronicles

"Man you stupid"-LeBron James

Recently I got a call from my Italian Parents stating they wanted me to go clean out my own room (This means going through my old toy box and hiding my wolverine action figure). They were going to be panting it and fixing it up into a new room to sleep in. I am hoping that they didn’t turn it into some “Sexual Pit of Doom” (insert gross Viagra commercial). I got home and started to clean my dusty old room. I had about 5,000 NBA cards that didn’t have a home. As I was throwing away worthless aspects to my childhood I found a list I had made during the summer of 2006. It was my goals prior to starting Maple Woods (or as the local pot heads and nocturnal dirt people would say Maple Weeds, Even though I never saw a weed there due to the efforts of the superb grounds crew). The animalistic image driven 18 year old version of me wrote as follows:

1. Find a Hot ass Girl.

2. Get rich No matter what.

3. Get a badass job.

4. Get your abs back in.

If I could go back in time and challenge my 18 year old self to a fight in the octagon I would. I would kick myself right in the sack. What a worthless list of goals. Let’s break each of these so called wonderful goals down shall we. Over the next few weeks I will break down my thinking and make my former self tap out.

"In this corner we have the 5,10 140 lbs Douche with a low resting heart rate"

"In this corner we have the 5'10 181 lbs Douche who can't side step and will attack in straight planes only"

Find a Hot ass Girl.

This was a time in my life where I thought biceps were all you needed to talk to a woman. Clearly this concept didn’t work for me or the rest of all the gym rats out there. One time a girl texted me “Hey” and I had no idea what to do. I had to consult an entire grouping of adolescent males with Biceps. They say 12 biceps can match the power of the Human Brain (no one says that, this shows how dumb I really was). The common result of our theorizing was she wanted to have sex with me. That must have been IT. I hated my after school gym brigade. Biggest cluster of idiots you could ever meet. I like how this goal was made right before I went to Maple Woods. Maple Woods is a great intuition of learning, but as far as dating goals it’s no Boo Factory (I once had class with 4 Wal-Mart night employees).

(18 year old me talking to a local sandwich merchant)

“So you work at Subway”?

“Yeah it’s like amazing”.

“Yeah they got protein and shit there”(Really you’re going to woo her with amino acids references and fecal talk. Bravo you pale 140 lbs male who could name all 150 original Pokémon in an instantaneous yelp, but couldn’t get her number that day attempting to reference your loyalties to Italian Herbs and Cheese)

This was one of the many terrible instances where biceps did not get the girl. It takes verbal communication skills, confidence, and to not reference amino acids or your bowel movements in ANY WAY. “HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A HORSE TAKE A SHIT? YEAH MINES LIKE THAT BECAUSE IM TAKING THIS PROTEIN THAT MAKES ME SHIT LIKE A HORSE”(as you read this line at 50 gyms in the United States a male just stated this line attempting to get a girls number) As I learned from Doctor Robert Williams and many other people who influenced me I was doing everything wrong at age 18. Five years later things have gotten better. Reflecting is the best methodology of learning from your past mistakes. If your blind and feel your always right, attempt to wake up or make the person to the left of you slap you as hard as they can. I’ve made great mistakes in youthful dating, but will never make them again(Just because I like Bruce Springsteen Doesn’t mean a 17 year old girl from Liberty Missouri wants it for her birthday). I never had really any role models growing up, and my siblings and I were never close enough to learn from each other. My father taught me a great deal of useful life skill sets, but never how to speak to a lady or treat a woman the way they should be treated. I learned from shows like Boy Meets World and the Wonder Years (awful ways to learn about texting.) Males in this country need more role models and trainings to assist them through this difficult part of the lifespan. These next generations may feel like “There Sexy and they know it” and clearly they work out, but they will become lost without mentors or father figures. LeBron’s Dunks will teach you nothing world!!!!

Monday, February 13, 2012

"We feel in love in a bathroom line"

“A stallion must be broken before it reaches its highest potential”-Doctor Spock

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.  Im happy I didn’t go out and try to get a date like I did last year. I was stood up last Valentine’s Day two days after tearing my A.C.L. It was an interesting feeling because I had never been stood up before in my life. I sat alone watching the N.B.A. in an ironed gap shirt icing my knee. It was a pathetic sight.  It turns out the girl I was supposed to go out with decided she would rather go out with this guy who dropped out of High school. He got a job at a local Taco Bell to save up for a car. He didn’t have a license, so she had to go pick him up at taco bell. After I received this explanation in a two page text 2 hours after the time this girl was supposed to pick me up I began to laugh.  She was going to pick me up cause I was walking like a thirty pound dumbbell had fallen out of my ass, but she went to pick him up instead .Apparently my crutches and ace bandage couldn’t match his natural Sour cream smell.  I thought to myself this isn’t so bad being stood up. When I actually find the girl of my dreams everyday will be like Valentine’s Day with her. I think Valentine ’s Day is a desperate attempt for people to keep their relationship together in this country. If we don’t act like an Ass for three hours maybe well have a happier marriage. I don’t need to attempt to be a good man by buying chocolates and a ticket to a  Channing Tatum movie for some kind of weird sexual favor in return like 65% of men will attempt to do tomorrow.  I would rather not take out a girl who I met in a P.N.L. bathroom line right before I broke the seal.  Ill celebrate Valentine’s Day with friends until it’s time for a Boo. Plus I can’t have kids yet anyway, because I need to wait until Ellen Jacobson and Erica Deeney get teaching jobs so I know where to enroll my off spring. I want to have many kids in NBA apparel and Utah raptor hats getting 18%s in math to drive those women crazy!!!!

I don’t want to seriously date until I get my Bachelor’s degree and a solidified job. I see hundreds of my friends getting married. I would hate to be married at this age. (Pseudo Women “Hey dear turn off that damn Full house and get to Bed, David Coulier sucks. Come watch Roseanne” Me “Loud crying noises”). If a women tried to tell me I can’t eat fruit pie or go to quarter Sundays at the thrift store I would be increasing the divorce rate in this country ever so slightly.  Having a job or somewhat or a career started I feel is very necessary before one gets Booed up for life.  “Hey girl, my 98 dollar Hy-vee check came in. Let’s go way out and wild at the dollar tree tonight. Well get that grape jelly that turned your Uncle Dan Blind”.  I’m just saying people take your time out there. Develop yourselves a little bit so you don’t have to shop at dollar tree.

Final Thought

 All you young hipster couples out there about to be wed CUT OFF THEM SKINNY JEANS ATLEAST SIX MONTHS BEFORE YOUR WEDDING NIGHT!!!!!!!You don’t want to have six seamen left because your external boys haven’t gotten a hit of oxygen since the 9th grade.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

When I Grow up I want to be a.....

 "Gotta find me a future move out of my way"-Queen

As I type this a heavily annoying women has made three phone calls and clearly isn't working on anything important. Up until the age of 19 I wanted to be a zoologist. As I went to community college and discovered how much I really hated animals, the dream began to taper off. The older I got the more I discovered I didn't want to clean up elephant shit with a jumbo toilet brush from Sam's Club.  I then decided on business just cause the idea of money seemed good. Little did I know every d-bag goes into business, so I had no idea what would come next. At the age of 20 I decided to figure out who I was. I didn't start wearing ass less chaps and go lay in a tanning bed or anything, but I discovered I really liked Psychology. I declared this as my major after some awesome community college professors got me involved with human development.  After my final semester at Maple Woods Community College I decided I wanted to one day teach Human Development.  That final semester I learned alot of gross things about women and why I did the things I did at the time. My identity started to take shape. I wasn't ashamed of who I was and as my confidence grew so did my social yelps(A loud noise made by Italian men with small ears).  I love my new developed loud self who only feared large groups of fat women and used adult diapers(I have a terrible irrational fear that one day I will stumble upon where they place all the depends of the elderly and kids will be playing in it and I will freak out. I will yell get out of there but they will not listen).Anyway I found what I wanted to do and that's shape the minds of 18 years old and old people who have no idea what they want to do(they will probably just save there depends and throw them on my car after my first lecture).Teaching Human development means getting a MASTERS DEGREE! So now the search for the right school begins. When I grow up I want to be Myself. I want my natural creativity and poise and good posture to inspire young minds everywhere to seek a career that pleases them. People put to much placement on labels in our society. I want to be a DOCTOR, LAWYER,CLEAN ELEPHANT BUTT CRACKS,I WANT TO BE THE GUY WHO HIDES DEPENDS DIAPERS ALL OVER TOWN. Whatever you do with your life, don't change who you are.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Back Hair!

I feel laser hair removal should be covered by Insurance just like Dental and Vision. There should be some fixed ratio for body hair like perfect vision. " Oh yeah his body hair his 30/30 Doc its Superb"  Its hard being a male and looking like there's a puppet show going on slightly above our nipples."Hey is that a Fozzy Bear backpack?No its my awful genetics from my dad's side" If Women are so concerned about Image why can't men be? Were tired of looking like fools to.Sephora doesn't cover up body hair!  All these big foot sitings are just a bunk of Hairy ass dudes going out for a Sandwich. There not aloud a Jared subway diet in peace because they look like a young Burt Reynolds.  I would pay a twenty dollar co-pay so people wouldn't film me in an urban area and assume I'm big foot. I would rather look like an adolescent sea lion instead of a Yak no one wants to purchase. 

Thursday, January 26, 2012