Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Dancing in the never-Bruce Springsteen

               I am truly convinced the Lord doesn’t want me to EVER Dance to the song Dancing in the Dark by Bruce Springsteen.  It was my favorite song as a kid, and still to this day. If you see me driving to this song, most would assume I was having a seizure.  I was in Nick Backs wedding at a very early age. I requested the song and the D.J. looked at me like I was a lost geriatric. Yes this song was popular before I was even a sperm, but just play it!!! The D.J. took my tip and never played the song. Not even towards the end of the wedding, when the inebriated cant stand. The next weeding I requested this song the D.J. took my money and yet again didn’t play my jam. All I have ever wanted to do is dance to Dancing in the Dark. 
                   Later that year I had gotten word that Park University was having a singing contest called park idol. Surely, they would have this famous 1980s song, and I would be able to perform it in front of all my friends.  So I found the tightest pair of jeans I could find at a thrift store. A hipster probably died in some drug induced death, to the vary pants I was wearing.  Those pants were so tight. I probably lost about 100 million seamen that night just to play the role. It was all for the boss. I then found a white collared shirt and cut the sleeves off.  For about four dollars and about 50,000 dollars lost I could have sold to a sperm bank, I indeed looked like Bruce Springsteen. As I got to park idol I found the people who were signing up the songs. As I realized I probably couldn't sit down in these jeans I wanted to sing Dancing in the dark early because I had to brutally sing some Beach Boys shortly after. It turns out they didn't have DANCING IN THE DARK!!!!!! They only had  BORN IN THE U.S.A. I was doomed because I didn't know that song what so ever. I figured dressed as Bruce Springsteen, I had to do it.  I got up there and sang a song about being born in a country to an audience that  was not. I would say 75% of the audience was from the Pacific Rim and I looked like an idiot. I would have been the hero if they would have my jam. The matriarchal trio of judges didn't hide their body language of disgust. I’m assuming they weren't Springsteen fans and probably didn't care for anything involving New Jersey. They looked at me like they were conceived to a Springsteen song and projected their hatred of anything related to dudes, upon my dead hipster jeans.  So needless to say I didn't win Park Idol because those judges that day were not proud of their country origin. It seems they hated their fathers or something.   They were completely stoic when I walked off stage. Not a smirk, a chuckle nothing. Do me the honor and hit me with glass bottle ladies PLEASE!!. 
              The next attempt in my life, where I knew the opportunity of dancing to Springsteen, without lowering my sperm count would be at Bret Mchpeeter’s wedding. He liked classic rock music and I knew they would play it there. I went early to the d.j. and gave him a five dollar bill this time. I knew he would play that song for me. The night totally came to an end and my arc nemesis Trevor and his goons started picking up all the tables. The wedding was over and that stupid d.j. pocketed my five bucks. Probably to take to a strip club or something to get his jiblets off.  He probably went on a received a lap dance to Springsteen just out of spite. The next two weddings I had, the same situation occur. D.J’s pocketed my hard earned money to go through the dollar menu while I didn't get to dance. I had to watch country bumpkins line dance to some Randy Travis inbreeding bull shit!! I want to know what issues these d.j. companies have against me and the boss. It is because I don’t like to Nelly and the St Louis Cardinals?I have heard COUNTRY GRAMMAR at way to many weddings.   YOU CANT START A FIRE WITHOUT A SPARK DAMMIT!! Springsteen said it best. 
 Finally the lord presented me with a girl that liked me more then two weeks and we were planning a wedding. I was having a friend d.j. the wedding and it was the tenth song that was going to play. I knew that I was going to finally get to dance to Springsteen at my own wedding.  Nothing was going to stop me now except maybe being struck by lightning!!! Potentially the chance Amanda not showing up at the altar, but I was going to get my Springsteen on in front of all my friends and family.  The sun had made for a wonderful sunset on the night of my wedding. The photographers asked us to come outside so that we can get some sunset photos. It looked gorgeous outside and it made for some fine photos.  Next Amanda's old boss was leaving the wedding and he had a Michael Jordan story. I've learned in my life to drop everything if someone has a Jordan story. If he would have said I got a LeBron story, I would have walked inside. No one likes a LeBron story. He grabbed the duchess!!! Anyway this guy got to watch Jordan play a pick-up game. It was one of the greatest NBA stories I have ever heard. At that same moment I heard Springsteen playing in the background. Michael Jordan just nut tapped the Boss. I missed dancing to that song at my own wedding.  I have established that I will never dance to BRUCE SPRINGSTEENS DANCING IN THE DARK. I’m sure like sixty years from now someone will read this blog post and play that song at my funeral. He can’t dance now because he is dead. I will just drive to it on 169 south and let the people think I have rabies, when I dance in that car. I can see a mother saying to their son as they pass me on the highway, “ LOOK AWAY, THAT MUST BE ONE OF THEM QUANTILES STUDIES GONE WRONG” My trigger song could be DANCING IN THE DARK BY THE BOSS!!!

Friday, December 5, 2014

Hot Dogs Vs. the Midlife

You can buy a hot dog stand for 399.00 $ I have found what I am going to do when I retire.  I can run a hot dog stand with my vegetarian wife. We will be on T.L.C. in no time. I will throw phallic foods at St Louis cardinals fans for my entire adult life. I will just stay posted up outside of Wrigley Field ,heckling the masses  Amanda can run a tofu hut or something and we will defiantly get on T.V. Amanda has specified wanting six children. For the 3300 views I have on my bar graph, I have recently gotten married to an amazing woman if you didn't know.  I will no longer have to sell my body to science since I have found my one and only. KU med can keep their 20,000 for a testicle ,because I will need it for these six children. All the children can get hot dog stands or tofu huts and we can be outside ever sport event between Kansas City and Chicago. Also Lawrence for Amanda's beloved Jay hawks. In late adult life I have contemplated a thrift store.  I will have to sell all my bobble heads at some point if they are ever allowed in a house.  Most men who have midlife crisis grow ponytails and wear ass less chaps. America doesn't need my 50 year old sell farting up and down Americas highways with nasty neck pubes floating through the air. The birds even reject my hair for nests, why would I grown out a pony tail? I think hot dog stand or thrift store or a combination of the two is a safe choice for a midlife crisis? Unless a bunch of vegetarians get upset by the fact that most of the clothes we have to sell smell like Vienna beef. In all likelihood, my future business endeavors are hopefully trumped by me teaching life span development until I am in my eighties.I can always give away  all my credit cards to every pyramid scheme in the land if everything else falls apart.  I can always get mummified in It works wraps or have Amway run my funeral.  I want my body burned at Maple Woods with the hot dog stand, surrounded by Ewoks.Joakim Noah can be the M.C. I am very excited about my life ahead with Amanda and my career with higher education.Get my Masters in Educational Psychology and going back to get my Masters in Counseling will lead me down the roads ahead. I'm contemplating getting my Masters in Higher Education Administration as well. I'm very exited for this era of life.     The hot dog stand is down the road.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

My wife vsT-Mobile

My wife yelled into the phone like the coach of the Chicago Bulls.It was incredible. She tossed her challenge flag on our way to Ikea and defended my honor. I called T-Mobile and was driving, so she did some of the talking as well. While complaining about how much my phone sucks, we lost service with T-mobile support.When the service returned,We questioned the validity of the service.  IS there anything I can help you today? "Yeah you didn't here us for thirty seconds,that's what she were talking about. Than the T-Mobile lady told us we should try Craigslist and was telling us how to build our own phone. Than Amanda stepped in and said," THIS IS BULLSHIT(It was amazing) WE DONT KNOW HOW TO BUILD A PHONE. WE JUST WANT A PHONE THAT WORKS. WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ORDER PARTS OF CRAIGSLIST AND BUILD OUR OWN PHONE" The T-mobile lady realized she wasn't dealing with a tired sweaty Italian man, who was driving on the Broadway bridge anymore.  She had awakening a Six foot tall post R.A. who has had to deal with short drunken rich guys from St Louis for the last three years. The T-Mobile lady was intimidated and didn't talk about craigslist after that. We even said" T-mobile has not contracts (Via Charles Barkley) but we cant get out of  a contract that we don't have?"The lady was speechless and said there is nothing I can do for you" They decided to send us a fourth phone that is not even able to download my bank app. This isn't some Philosophy class. Is the contract there if you leave the room??? So needless to say you cant get out of contract that isn't even there. My Amazing Spartan wife scared a bunch of people with tiny headsets and there Bull Shit  "Wheres Waldo?" contract system. Ill be switching service once this ghost contract that was signed by no one because it isn't real is lifted.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Still Can't Order...

Very excited for this year. Recently asked a women to marry me and she responded by “Are you shitting me”? Well not really. This will be such a busy, but exciting year of life. I got a car I actually like for the journey ahead.  If a Subaru had sex with a Mini Cooper you would get a Nissan Juke.  From space it looks like a football with fins. I am entering my second year of graduate school for something I want to do. I hope I never have to work at a desk because I have 43 bobble heads and they would have nowhere to bobble.  During an interview I would bring them with them with me.  The interviewee would be so confused because my business associates would agree with everything I said. I got fired from the Y because the main lady never put me on her payroll apparently for like a year.  Keeping me on for 17-24 Dollars a month was such a pain in the Ass I guess.  Man I put those tables up quickly. I worked kid’s night out for three years one day a month.  The Jig was up. 

My main goal for this year is to finally order right at restaurants.  To this day my greatest flaw is ordering in restaurants.  Just the other day I ordered a Margareti pizza. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?? I am the worst orderer of all time.   I once ordered a “Got to Love to Have it” at Cold Stone. Again WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??    It sounds like some kind of sexual favor. I’m not a gross person, I just can’t order.  I could see myself ordered somewhere asking, “I will take a got to love to have it”? I could be hung in the village square for that.  I once asked at Starbucks for an Asango pretzel??? Me, Aqua Man, and the women who worked there were baffled by my stupidity.  Asiago was cheese I was searching for.  The very cow in which it came from should have kicked me in the nuts for being so dumb.  My goal this year is to learn to order like an adult.  No more of this snap chat socially awkward bullshit.  Im tired of waiters and waitresses looking at me like I am some nocturnal dirt farmer who was raised by Wild Boars.  I promise you servers of this world, I will learn to order. 

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Deal with my Small Intestine.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I was wondering what was keeping me up? Oh yeah I ate 10 Pumpkin Doughnuts in three days.  It felt like a small bird was living in my stomach. My small intestine was making Woody Wood Pecker type noises.  Finally at 12:07 am I was able to goto the bathroom after 37 hours.  I actually shit out an entire pumpkin.  The stalk was the worst part. On a serious nature though, I felt so much relief.  My organs were clapping because that demon pumpkin dough feel was now gone.  After I took a pooh it felt like when Simba was born.  Elephants were playing trumpets and handing me rolls of toilet paper. I made a nonverbal internal deal with my small intestine yesterday to never eat a dozen doughnuts again!!!!If I hadn't gotten rid of those last two, I wouldn't be writing this. You have won this battle oh great pumpkin.  Charlie Brown never had shit problems like these...

Wednesday, October 16, 2013


I really don't give a crap about baseball.  It just so happens that I fell out of my mother on the North side of Chicago so I was born into Cubs land.  In my youth I liked Mark Grace and several others Cubs during life, when I was concerned about building small mouse huts for mice to stay in the winter. Upon my journey to Kansas City I brought my Mark Grace jersey with me.  I had milkable teenage man breast that expanded the jersey throughout youth. I was able to wear it all the way to my Junior year. While trying to just wear a shirt that brought out my eyes a bunch of Asshole St Louis Cardinal fans always made fun of me. Okay clearly your team is better.  I really don't care. My home city of Chicago is and will always be better than St. Louis. My final straw came with the St Louis Cardinals in the Fall of 2009. (This was the worst year of my exhistance and Joel and Adam Roth can back that up).  There was a girl at Dillards who use to come to my department and hit on my all the time.  It must have been my eyebrow poor distance vision that won her over. Anyone, on a lunch break she ate all my cheesecake one time(what a bitch) and asked me to take her out.  That night I was going to meet her on the Plaza for a date. I got there before she did and got a table.  She texted me saying she was going to be late, and to make sure I had a table near a T.V. She asked me, " Who are you routing for tonight :)"  I didnt even know baseball was on because it was NBA preseason and that was all that mattered to me. I said Texassssssssss because I hated St Louis so much because I remember kids making fun of my teenage Cubs man breasts... She simply responded "Fuck you" and never showed up to dinner.  So I will forever hate the Cardinals... Go every other team in Baseball!!!!I lost so much cheesecake, for such a evil person.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

The Proud Woods of Maple

Tonight I got three double cheeseburgers like I always get at Burger King and went and ate at Maple Woods. Most Northland kids who went there always insulted Maple Woods by calling it Maple Weeds, As I walked around there were no weeds. They have a great grounds crew. The only bad memory I have there was when I was walking and a herd of big women who were smoking took up the entire sidewalk and knocked me out of the way as I was walking my freshman year. This place is why I am the way I am today. Liberty High tried to make me love Math and Science and called me dumb if I didn't do well on a test.Logarithms will always be things that float in a toilet to me. The only Chemistry I will ever need to know is that Thundershock will never work on a Geodude.  Maple Woods instructors taught me everything important for adulthood except how to spell. I never learned that. For the Perfectionists who are internally correcting my writing feel free to go sit on a cactus for all I care. I finally was reached by teachers who probably smoked more pot than they should have, but there curriculum's ignited my soul. They inspired me to be myself wherever I go and that has always worked for me.  If I were to give up my creative ways to get a higher ACT score 7 years ago there wouldn't be 650 people coming to my wedding.  I'm not planning to get married anytime soon, but I got a lot of cool ass friends Ive made throughout my travels.  Six years ago today at Maple Woods I would be in Summer school taking six shits a day listening to Bruce Springsteen on my way to class.  I still do those things today. I will probably not be able to do them forever. I hope to not take six shits a day forever or otherwise toilet  paper cost will always lower my credit score.You can't buy this house because of the giant black hole in your ass... I hope to stay myself to the best of my abilities. Pokemon is not as cool as it once was. Very few kids I work with know what I'm talking about. M.J. is gradually fading as kids cheer for the traveling Lebron James. "Mes my favorite athlete" I'm sure is a quote hung in there lockers. NOT FOUR NOT FIVE NOT SIX was Lebron trying to count the number of head bands upon his head. Life is changing and my age is starting to show a little bit. I still don't want to change who I am.  My loyalty is to Maple Woods and I hope I can one day teach there.