Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Dancing in the never-Bruce Springsteen

               I am truly convinced the Lord doesn’t want me to EVER Dance to the song Dancing in the Dark by Bruce Springsteen.  It was my favorite song as a kid, and still to this day. If you see me driving to this song, most would assume I was having a seizure.  I was in Nick Backs wedding at a very early age. I requested the song and the D.J. looked at me like I was a lost geriatric. Yes this song was popular before I was even a sperm, but just play it!!! The D.J. took my tip and never played the song. Not even towards the end of the wedding, when the inebriated cant stand. The next weeding I requested this song the D.J. took my money and yet again didn’t play my jam. All I have ever wanted to do is dance to Dancing in the Dark. 
                   Later that year I had gotten word that Park University was having a singing contest called park idol. Surely, they would have this famous 1980s song, and I would be able to perform it in front of all my friends.  So I found the tightest pair of jeans I could find at a thrift store. A hipster probably died in some drug induced death, to the vary pants I was wearing.  Those pants were so tight. I probably lost about 100 million seamen that night just to play the role. It was all for the boss. I then found a white collared shirt and cut the sleeves off.  For about four dollars and about 50,000 dollars lost I could have sold to a sperm bank, I indeed looked like Bruce Springsteen. As I got to park idol I found the people who were signing up the songs. As I realized I probably couldn't sit down in these jeans I wanted to sing Dancing in the dark early because I had to brutally sing some Beach Boys shortly after. It turns out they didn't have DANCING IN THE DARK!!!!!! They only had  BORN IN THE U.S.A. I was doomed because I didn't know that song what so ever. I figured dressed as Bruce Springsteen, I had to do it.  I got up there and sang a song about being born in a country to an audience that  was not. I would say 75% of the audience was from the Pacific Rim and I looked like an idiot. I would have been the hero if they would have my jam. The matriarchal trio of judges didn't hide their body language of disgust. I’m assuming they weren't Springsteen fans and probably didn't care for anything involving New Jersey. They looked at me like they were conceived to a Springsteen song and projected their hatred of anything related to dudes, upon my dead hipster jeans.  So needless to say I didn't win Park Idol because those judges that day were not proud of their country origin. It seems they hated their fathers or something.   They were completely stoic when I walked off stage. Not a smirk, a chuckle nothing. Do me the honor and hit me with glass bottle ladies PLEASE!!. 
              The next attempt in my life, where I knew the opportunity of dancing to Springsteen, without lowering my sperm count would be at Bret Mchpeeter’s wedding. He liked classic rock music and I knew they would play it there. I went early to the d.j. and gave him a five dollar bill this time. I knew he would play that song for me. The night totally came to an end and my arc nemesis Trevor and his goons started picking up all the tables. The wedding was over and that stupid d.j. pocketed my five bucks. Probably to take to a strip club or something to get his jiblets off.  He probably went on a received a lap dance to Springsteen just out of spite. The next two weddings I had, the same situation occur. D.J’s pocketed my hard earned money to go through the dollar menu while I didn't get to dance. I had to watch country bumpkins line dance to some Randy Travis inbreeding bull shit!! I want to know what issues these d.j. companies have against me and the boss. It is because I don’t like to Nelly and the St Louis Cardinals?I have heard COUNTRY GRAMMAR at way to many weddings.   YOU CANT START A FIRE WITHOUT A SPARK DAMMIT!! Springsteen said it best. 
 Finally the lord presented me with a girl that liked me more then two weeks and we were planning a wedding. I was having a friend d.j. the wedding and it was the tenth song that was going to play. I knew that I was going to finally get to dance to Springsteen at my own wedding.  Nothing was going to stop me now except maybe being struck by lightning!!! Potentially the chance Amanda not showing up at the altar, but I was going to get my Springsteen on in front of all my friends and family.  The sun had made for a wonderful sunset on the night of my wedding. The photographers asked us to come outside so that we can get some sunset photos. It looked gorgeous outside and it made for some fine photos.  Next Amanda's old boss was leaving the wedding and he had a Michael Jordan story. I've learned in my life to drop everything if someone has a Jordan story. If he would have said I got a LeBron story, I would have walked inside. No one likes a LeBron story. He grabbed the duchess!!! Anyway this guy got to watch Jordan play a pick-up game. It was one of the greatest NBA stories I have ever heard. At that same moment I heard Springsteen playing in the background. Michael Jordan just nut tapped the Boss. I missed dancing to that song at my own wedding.  I have established that I will never dance to BRUCE SPRINGSTEENS DANCING IN THE DARK. I’m sure like sixty years from now someone will read this blog post and play that song at my funeral. He can’t dance now because he is dead. I will just drive to it on 169 south and let the people think I have rabies, when I dance in that car. I can see a mother saying to their son as they pass me on the highway, “ LOOK AWAY, THAT MUST BE ONE OF THEM QUANTILES STUDIES GONE WRONG” My trigger song could be DANCING IN THE DARK BY THE BOSS!!!

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