Wednesday, April 3, 2013

There is no such thing as an Italian ring tailed Lemur?

Today I received a text from my girlfriend stating she wanted to tree climb tomorrow!!! The opportunity sounds amazing. I can't wait to prove to the world I can still climb. Years ago before I hit my third puberty, I was a good climber. Than the lord rewarded me with a big butt and hairy thighs . Since I have received an official pair of natural pants I must wear every day of my life, every time I do an athletic move about 17-39 hairs rip out of my body. These numbers have no evidence to support the claim but it hurts every time I move.Since I got really hairy, I don't like to climb as much. Also Since I have been rewarded with a natural pants no one would ever buy, I tore my hamstring,meniscus and A.C.L. I have had to brave the elements since I wanted to cut that leg off. This winter my girlfriend and I went ice skating with many other couples. It was our first large group date and I had never told Amanda I couldn't ice skate. The last three times I had gone to Crown Center previous to this date I would always fall 3-5 times on my first lap and than run to Crown Center in shame. I am still waiting for the Australian Store to get some Hugh Jackman merchandise but its yet to come. I would always go to the toy store by myself and look and the mini animal collection waiting for my friends to text me. Such an escape couldn't happen now that I was on a real date. Upon the first lap Amanda noticed I was like a guy who had eaten to much applesauce the day of.(In elementary school there was a kid I knew who had to much applesauce one day and he crapped his pants. Everyone loves applesauce BUT THERE ARE LIMITS) Before I would fall I would squat real low and I looked like I was regretting eating to much apple sauce. A Beautiful girl had to stand beside a defecating poor balanced hairy Italian man who just wanted to go look at some toys.  Well tomorrow I will not eat apple sauce. I will climb the highest tree at Loose Park for this girl. Giant hips and all I will prove the hipsters and the unemployed drifters of the park I can climb!!!! Geese are my natural enemy. They will know I am vulnerable in climb mode, so if they want to attack me tomorrow bring it on!!I will fling applesauce upon them from the heavens!!!(If you're just reading my blog I don't like geese cause one time I had to shovel geese poop for two hours in front of an entire elementary school and the small royals hat I wore that day couldn't cover my shame. I vow to get back at the geese who lay ed there applesauce down at Southeast elementary).I will climb a tree for my girl. Sliding on frozen water is a different story. I never want to appear like that deer who had been hit by a car but still lives with the herd. That's what I looked like trying to Ice skate at crown center.

1 comment:

  1. 1. i'm just impressed that you can squat now.
    2. what a great boyfriend to climb trees with your girlfriend even though you have italian pants and "giant hips".
    3. your title is misleading.