Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Man You Stupid Chronicles-Thats alot of JOBS Part 1

Look at the size of my wallet-Jay Sherman

Number three on the list I found that day was "Get a bad ass job"Such a task has yet to be complete. I am finally receiving my B.A. of arts in Psch in May after three transfers,moving four times and two knee surgeries.  Looking back over the last seven years I have had some weird and awful jobs. Hy-vee,the Y.M.C.A. Liberty Public Schools and Brock Smith have been very good to me. The rest I cant say the same about. My very first job was working in a bakery with the worst Native American ever, my  best friend Dan Read. We learned very little about life and ended up fatter after the job because Dan decided to get paid in food. The 7-14 dollars I made a week were good for my dollar store runs, but wasn't starting the bank account I had always dreamed of.
The next year after that I worked at Hy-vee and never really should have left there. After a year of Chicken strips and hitting on women who didn't know how to apply makeup yet I was on my way. I learned how to push carts and to never put a bag of chips under a can of chili again. Over the next year I briefly worked passing out flyer's at a local gym. I did an awful job with that. One time I had to take all the brochures off of these cars down town because a man in spandex shorts said it was against the law. He had a flashlight I thought he would shove up my butt so I listened to the man(I have an irrational fear of spandex. I feel its a seaman killer like Jean shorts so I will never wear it. I want amazing children).The next time I passed out brochures, me and my friend Bret with one testicle passed out 1000 brochures in peoples Mail boxes. You weren't suppose to do that. They should have been put on doors instead. I lost the brochures job and began to hold signs for K-Mart. It was a solid job, but my 127 pound frame at the time was taking a beating from the November cold(Maybe Martha Stewart could have actually bought me a jacket or something.That's why she was sent to jail). I ended up going back to work for the Fitness center. I handed out more brochures and worked there desk for about 16 days.  The only cool thing about that job was one time a women seduced me, but I was to dumb to understand anything. It was like 15 minutes before closing time and this smoking hot women came in to tan. we talked for like five minutes and I made her laugh like I usually do with most people(women from the ages of 30-42 will probably one day capture me and sacrifice me to some Cougar God or something. I always get hit on by horny midlifes and very few women my own age).She kept saying "YOU KNOW I TAN NAKED"and kept talking about oils and stuff(my socially awkward 18 year old self was blind).  She went back to tan and I began to listen to Bruce Springsteen and fold laundry. She called me back to the tanning bed and said it wasn't working.(She clearly knew how to work such machines. Little did I know It was a Sexual trap). As I got into the tanning bed I noticed the women was completely naked sitting in a chair smiling at me more spread than a cheese display at a Packers party. I simply said ALL YOU DO IS HIT THE BUTTON AND LEFT THE ROOM.( luckily her vagina didn't have a gravitational pull)Shes tanned for ten minutes and left. I kept dancing to Bruce and folding towels. Little did I know this Cougar wanted some meat that day and I would rather dance to Bruce Springsteen in a laundry room. I ended up only working at the gym like three more days. I'm happy I didn't get raped by a horny lady that resembled a giant carrot with Boobs.  The lord protected me and clearly I got Vitamin D other ways that year. The next Job I took was a janitor at a church. Cleaning up God's peoples fecal matter was not really that fulfilling.  I left the Methodist poop and went up to Maryville. I was a ref. for a bunch of drunk men in hhigh socks for a semester. Not a good job there either. I then got a Job in Maryville at a fitness center for about a week. They wanted me to open at six am so I left.I was very uncoachable in those times. I got a 57 dollar check from them. I then got a job in a business office at Maryville For about three days and left the town for Good. I wasn't meant to be in a town where at one point a bear had sex with a cat and a college was formed based off this myth. Next post I will talk about my return to Kansas City. The first part of my job history was intense. Theres plenty of more to come!!!!!Tune in next week for my tales of cleaning up poop in three counties!!!!

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