Monday, February 13, 2012

"We feel in love in a bathroom line"

“A stallion must be broken before it reaches its highest potential”-Doctor Spock

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.  Im happy I didn’t go out and try to get a date like I did last year. I was stood up last Valentine’s Day two days after tearing my A.C.L. It was an interesting feeling because I had never been stood up before in my life. I sat alone watching the N.B.A. in an ironed gap shirt icing my knee. It was a pathetic sight.  It turns out the girl I was supposed to go out with decided she would rather go out with this guy who dropped out of High school. He got a job at a local Taco Bell to save up for a car. He didn’t have a license, so she had to go pick him up at taco bell. After I received this explanation in a two page text 2 hours after the time this girl was supposed to pick me up I began to laugh.  She was going to pick me up cause I was walking like a thirty pound dumbbell had fallen out of my ass, but she went to pick him up instead .Apparently my crutches and ace bandage couldn’t match his natural Sour cream smell.  I thought to myself this isn’t so bad being stood up. When I actually find the girl of my dreams everyday will be like Valentine’s Day with her. I think Valentine ’s Day is a desperate attempt for people to keep their relationship together in this country. If we don’t act like an Ass for three hours maybe well have a happier marriage. I don’t need to attempt to be a good man by buying chocolates and a ticket to a  Channing Tatum movie for some kind of weird sexual favor in return like 65% of men will attempt to do tomorrow.  I would rather not take out a girl who I met in a P.N.L. bathroom line right before I broke the seal.  Ill celebrate Valentine’s Day with friends until it’s time for a Boo. Plus I can’t have kids yet anyway, because I need to wait until Ellen Jacobson and Erica Deeney get teaching jobs so I know where to enroll my off spring. I want to have many kids in NBA apparel and Utah raptor hats getting 18%s in math to drive those women crazy!!!!

I don’t want to seriously date until I get my Bachelor’s degree and a solidified job. I see hundreds of my friends getting married. I would hate to be married at this age. (Pseudo Women “Hey dear turn off that damn Full house and get to Bed, David Coulier sucks. Come watch Roseanne” Me “Loud crying noises”). If a women tried to tell me I can’t eat fruit pie or go to quarter Sundays at the thrift store I would be increasing the divorce rate in this country ever so slightly.  Having a job or somewhat or a career started I feel is very necessary before one gets Booed up for life.  “Hey girl, my 98 dollar Hy-vee check came in. Let’s go way out and wild at the dollar tree tonight. Well get that grape jelly that turned your Uncle Dan Blind”.  I’m just saying people take your time out there. Develop yourselves a little bit so you don’t have to shop at dollar tree.

Final Thought

 All you young hipster couples out there about to be wed CUT OFF THEM SKINNY JEANS ATLEAST SIX MONTHS BEFORE YOUR WEDDING NIGHT!!!!!!!You don’t want to have six seamen left because your external boys haven’t gotten a hit of oxygen since the 9th grade.

1 comment:

  1. Best yet. I really love this!! There is no shame in waiting for real love and not trying to desperately create it with a stranger.