Saturday, February 18, 2012

The Man You Stupid Chronicles

"Man you stupid"-LeBron James

Recently I got a call from my Italian Parents stating they wanted me to go clean out my own room (This means going through my old toy box and hiding my wolverine action figure). They were going to be panting it and fixing it up into a new room to sleep in. I am hoping that they didn’t turn it into some “Sexual Pit of Doom” (insert gross Viagra commercial). I got home and started to clean my dusty old room. I had about 5,000 NBA cards that didn’t have a home. As I was throwing away worthless aspects to my childhood I found a list I had made during the summer of 2006. It was my goals prior to starting Maple Woods (or as the local pot heads and nocturnal dirt people would say Maple Weeds, Even though I never saw a weed there due to the efforts of the superb grounds crew). The animalistic image driven 18 year old version of me wrote as follows:

1. Find a Hot ass Girl.

2. Get rich No matter what.

3. Get a badass job.

4. Get your abs back in.

If I could go back in time and challenge my 18 year old self to a fight in the octagon I would. I would kick myself right in the sack. What a worthless list of goals. Let’s break each of these so called wonderful goals down shall we. Over the next few weeks I will break down my thinking and make my former self tap out.

"In this corner we have the 5,10 140 lbs Douche with a low resting heart rate"

"In this corner we have the 5'10 181 lbs Douche who can't side step and will attack in straight planes only"

Find a Hot ass Girl.

This was a time in my life where I thought biceps were all you needed to talk to a woman. Clearly this concept didn’t work for me or the rest of all the gym rats out there. One time a girl texted me “Hey” and I had no idea what to do. I had to consult an entire grouping of adolescent males with Biceps. They say 12 biceps can match the power of the Human Brain (no one says that, this shows how dumb I really was). The common result of our theorizing was she wanted to have sex with me. That must have been IT. I hated my after school gym brigade. Biggest cluster of idiots you could ever meet. I like how this goal was made right before I went to Maple Woods. Maple Woods is a great intuition of learning, but as far as dating goals it’s no Boo Factory (I once had class with 4 Wal-Mart night employees).

(18 year old me talking to a local sandwich merchant)

“So you work at Subway”?

“Yeah it’s like amazing”.

“Yeah they got protein and shit there”(Really you’re going to woo her with amino acids references and fecal talk. Bravo you pale 140 lbs male who could name all 150 original Pok√©mon in an instantaneous yelp, but couldn’t get her number that day attempting to reference your loyalties to Italian Herbs and Cheese)

This was one of the many terrible instances where biceps did not get the girl. It takes verbal communication skills, confidence, and to not reference amino acids or your bowel movements in ANY WAY. “HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A HORSE TAKE A SHIT? YEAH MINES LIKE THAT BECAUSE IM TAKING THIS PROTEIN THAT MAKES ME SHIT LIKE A HORSE”(as you read this line at 50 gyms in the United States a male just stated this line attempting to get a girls number) As I learned from Doctor Robert Williams and many other people who influenced me I was doing everything wrong at age 18. Five years later things have gotten better. Reflecting is the best methodology of learning from your past mistakes. If your blind and feel your always right, attempt to wake up or make the person to the left of you slap you as hard as they can. I’ve made great mistakes in youthful dating, but will never make them again(Just because I like Bruce Springsteen Doesn’t mean a 17 year old girl from Liberty Missouri wants it for her birthday). I never had really any role models growing up, and my siblings and I were never close enough to learn from each other. My father taught me a great deal of useful life skill sets, but never how to speak to a lady or treat a woman the way they should be treated. I learned from shows like Boy Meets World and the Wonder Years (awful ways to learn about texting.) Males in this country need more role models and trainings to assist them through this difficult part of the lifespan. These next generations may feel like “There Sexy and they know it” and clearly they work out, but they will become lost without mentors or father figures. LeBron’s Dunks will teach you nothing world!!!!


  1. This is seriously so funny. I just gave you a blogging award. You can check it out here: Congratulations!

  2. I love the reference to the octagon, just so you know. You should be proud of me for reading your blog even though most of it is made up of obscure references that I've already heard several times!