Cave Women Vs. Neck Pubes

An irrational fear  of mine is my Italian neck hair. After recently hitting my third puberty my neck hair has been out of control.  I have been dating my awesome girlfriend for 4 months now and previous to us dating I had gotten word that she was going to be coming to my friends birthday party.  As I got word from my T-Mobile text message(Having Tmobile the text may have come from a year ago but my neck has was awful, so I preceded to call my haircut lady Ashley) I couldn't reach her through my 30 dollar cell phone. My next step was carrier pigeon. I have only seen Pigeons in Riverside and there was no way I was about to even get near a creature that resides in Riverside. I would instantaneously catch Lockjaw from the bird and metal would not even be in the transaction. Damn the ecosystems of Riverside. So with an hour until the event I drove to Fantastic Sams.(Nothing was fantastic about the establishment and none of the three workers who were there names were Sam and not even remotely close to such a name.)  The giant women who was going to cut my hair scared the living hell out of me. She was probably a division three athlete who had to leave college early because she broke her coaches dick off in a roid rage. Now she has been given a sharp utensil, a tarp, and a room full of mirrors at here disposal which made my neck pubes quiver like Italian neck hair can only do upon a cold winters night. She asked what I wanted and I preceded to tell her just a hair buzz hoping she wasn't going to cut my throat and harvest my seaman and blood for Winter or something. Anyway the hair was cut by the cave dwelling women and Amanda didn't end up showing to the Birthday party I was going too.  Guys Girls don't mind the neck pubes unless you just give up on hygiene.  Date women who like you for who you are!!!! Its amazing when you do!!! Before I met this girl I thought all women talked about Pintercrest,dick sizes,laundry soap smells and how they want to have sex with Edward the Vampire. Alteast 45% of women talk about those things but there are good women out there.

Skanks love wheelie backpacks don't they Lance??

I feel Lance Armstrong is done with all his spandex short. The shorts were donated to a skanky dress foundation through the lands. I recently acquired  my gorgeous classy tall girlfriend through a sociological draft, and she asked me to accompany her to the dance where women decided to leave their underwear home for the night’s festivities. . There was actually a sign that said Y.O.L.O. LEAVE YOUR UNDERWEAR AT THE DOOR. At the social venue I was at the majority of the dresses I saw were made of old Lance Armstrong shorts held up by old live strong bracelets.(Not really but the nips and crotch regions were probably the only things really covered up) The small surfaced area dresses cover up enough skin to distinguish the women from prostitutes, but still a lot of flesh was showing. Flesh isn’t bad if you’re at P.B.R. and not wanting to go home that night with the mechanical Bull, but this was an attempt at a college formal. If you’re going to grind your drunken frat boy’s boner on a dance floor you could at least be classy about it.(There is no non skanky way to be classy about grinding)  Grinding could be a good form of dancing when you’re fifteen and get an erection every 12 minutes.  If you’re an adult act like an adult, and not like you lost your virginity in the Toys R US parking lot listening to Never Say Never!!!!!! That Giraffe is just such a temptress. One of these days Victoria will not have a secret because there won’t be underwear to sell. Even manikins will be out of work because they will just be naked all the time. I could see news feed on C.N.N. ROMNEY GETS MANIKIN VOTE PROMOSISES MORE JOBS.150  Manikin’s died last year because they burned alive working in the firework business. DAMN YOU SKANKS WHO VOTED FOR OBAMA.

 

Wheelie Backpacks are not necessary. In the very computer lab where I am typing this blog post a women just ran into my chair with a wheelie backpack and had the expression on her face like I wasn’t sitting in far enough.  I’m sorry I just had three chili dogs for lunch and I don’t want to sit like I am getting a personal hemlock maneuver. Maybe I want to Facebook chat and not shit my pants lady…. I’m sorry I can do squats again and my ass is growing. The lady doesn’t need a Wheelie Backpack.  I forgot Park University has an Airport and 79 passengers are waiting on her to fly them out of here. It’s a five minute walk across campus lady.  I know you had to park at the second terminal today and walk it in but my gosh you still have time to stop by Starbucks.  Oh wait its called Pirate Grounds. I’ve never had a wheelie backpack and never will. I have luggage that’s on wheels but its Luggage.  I saw Quasimodo walking to class today. He didn’t even have a wheelie Backpack. I want to personally go around and steal the left tire or flatten every small tire on every wheelie backpack in the city. The small wheel business can personally bring us out of a recession if I blow up 30,000 mini tires. MANIKINS BACK TO WORK MAKING TIRES!!!  I want to be the first man with recycled tires on my mini wheelie backpack. Are those wheels?? No there week old bagel bites.  Basically the entire premise of this week’s message is don’t be a skank and get a real fucking backpack for once J

No Maintenance Men Don't have Leprosy

The other day I was walking to get a drink in one of the elementary schools I work at, and a little boy asked me "Hey who are you?" I wanted to respond I am a loud fool, who is poor at math, who can't drive at Night nor swim in the deep end.  I simple responded I work outside. Little did that child know that the ones who read him Cat In The Hat also portray me as a Leper. Yeah the Bicycle Apartments are a Leper colony and I am in charge of the mutant Olympics. Me and my team of Hunchbacks are looking really good at Volleyball this year. I wanted to respond I keep geese from fornicating, and clean up the rubbish of the local section 8 indigenous tribes of Riverside. Shot Gun Shells are Burger King ketchup have never stopped me before.It was interesting when this boy questioned my identity. I know my strengths very clearly ,but have yet to utilize them. I have obtained my 30,000 piece of paper from Park University that states I can read and know how to apply honey mustard to various dead animals, but why haven't I found a career job? My indolent ways and calling people DINKUS have made me loose my social Perspective. I still want to be a Clinical Psychologist. I don't want to shovel Geese poop in 50 cent Royals floppy hats the rest of my life. This fall is my time to shine. I have been slown down by an A.C.L. tear and getting a  D- in a stats class because I was to drunk in Vegas to do my homework!!! I didn't know Baileys was so good. Alcoholic coffee?? You mean I keep getting drunk and staying up? My mind must have had Tmobile that night because there were a alot of dropped calls. My bladder was probably calling at 2 am. WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?I am going for my Masters.  When teachers look at me and Go green eggs and ham? I will simple say I don't give a Damn!!I can read cat in the Hat too and I am planning on teaching classes on Alexander the Great, and how to develop the strengths of your personality. I don't want kids walking in my classes wearing tap out shirts questioning why there isn't a cat in my hat. I HAVE A PINHEAD!!! If there is some form a dwarf cat I am not yet aware of no cat is fitting in my hat.

The Mighty Geese?

"Well, I shoveled shit in Louisiana."George Patton

Geese are the neck hair of the animal Kingdom!!! No one wants them around. Today Me, a floppy hat,the music of Colbie Colliet , and a flat shovel had to embark upon the most grotesque 2 hours of my young adult  life. An entire gaggle, flock,V, whatever you want to call it flew into a parking lot at the school I work at and shat everywhere. It smelled worse than a hipster after a day of Frisbee in direct sunlight. Children and several teachers saw me grunting at this tragedy.  Perhaps all these Geese had eaten Taco Bell the Night before? I can understand Nickelback is from Canada. I would have left too.Either way these vermin need to find a new home.   Emilio Estavez never stared in a movie about mighty Geese...I know he hasnt worked in awhile so maybe he can make a movie about getting ride of Geese. All the child actors of the Mighty Ducks could probably come help me get ride of these vagabonds.  I have always been a Duck man. Now more so than ever.  The only famous Geese in history are the Geese from that God Awful Movie " Fly Away Home".Luckily all those Geese from that Movie are now dead and no one has referenced that movie since this Blog post.  Ive have never FELT LOWER THAN CLEANING UP THE EXCREMENT OF FUTURE PILLOWS IN THE EYES OF CHILDREN.  "Mommy whats that scummy man doing?" "Oh he went to Park University don't worry about him. No but for real such an experience would make a man get a Masters degree faster than you could say Justin Beiber.My plan now is to get in contact with the Aflac Duck and raise a standing army of Ducks and former child stars to take down the Geese.

August Big time Rushing around!!!

I would like to clarify this post has nothing to do with that movie where that kid tries to get his parents back together by playing the violin(May not be the same movie don't quote me on that. Maybe even the parent trap). This was the quickest Summer on record for me in Missouri.Alot of Winsteads and Two K 12 was played. It was also the hottest.  It always looked like I just ate Tasty Thai when people saw me, but I was actually just walking to check the mail. It was a very sweaty time for everyone. My pool was closed at three random times. People need to stop giving Birth in public pools. Switch back to hay, it worked in the 1890s!!Common society some of us just want to drink Mondos and talk about N.B.A. I am happy a vast majority of my friends will return to the dorms soon. Volleyball will be super fun when English landing gets their courts open. Even though I have the A.C.L. of a dead hobo it is still fun. I play like I'm 47.Last summer was bad when my A.C.L. was torn. I walked liked I had to go work in a bell tower and it seems even the worst of  the worst had something to say about my Quasi Moto movements.Some people had the hand eye coordination of a mole ,yet I was stationary and inferior.Just to be able to play I had to wrap my knee in several Dollar General ace bandages. For the first summer in my life I didn't buy new shorts on tax free weekend. Every summer my butt grows and I cant wear normal people pants.It is like those things you buy that grow 600% in warm water. I have the butt of a 227 lbs man and it gets worse as time goes on. Luckily Ive lost 16 pounds this year since surgery. Last year it seemed like every retail store I went in I heard the song "Edge of Glory". I hate short shopping. Being a flexed man trying to buy clothes amongst  middle schoolers was awful. I essential boxed out youth to get to the trying room.  Kids would tweet "OMG!!! This big butted Man totally just cut us in line"Hash Tag Big Butted man sits on horse and kills it at little girls birthday party. Such an event has yet to happen in my life, but it could soon. This summer I have awakened spiritually. Ive read several books and I really want to grow. I don't want my Butt to  grow anymore, but my faith and kindness.Looking into a Mission trip for the first time. Ive done some local ones before, but cutting a bagel for an old person only has so much complexity to it. "Mam would you like cream cheese?" "Are you Tom Cruise??Hope everyone has safe travel upon the way to school.

Skank OFF

I recently witnessed my very first skank off!!! These women that I was amongst went dead silent at the very sight of each other. I barely know them, but I know they like to speak loud and be the center of attention. At the event I was at 13 people were present. It was amazing because I barely knew anyone there, but I got the low down from some worthless side characters.  These women apparentlyy slept with the same man within the last year. That very act silenced the crowd. It was awesome. Imagine if a third skank would have been there? Triple threat match in the HELL IN THE CELL  and the winner gets to go Facebook Official with the man whore himself. SKANK OFF 2012 . I love human Behavior. Tranquil avoidance is always classic.

You mean im still thirsty after Thursday?

Out into the great wide open,A rebel without a clue-Tom Petty.


Hello everyone!! I am back after three months of young adulthood using my external parts like a hacky sack. Taking two 400 level courses and working 6 am to 2 does not allow alot of time to talk about sex and young adulthood online. I was still able to work through all of the responsibility after it hit.  Now Im back. Life is good right now. I enjoy my current job because I work with more ground hogs than people. I have obscure tan lines and a wasp stung my butt and its still strange to sit even as I type this post... We as 18-25 year olds enter into a very important summer. The Summer of "oh god now I have to pay for bread".  I have seen more engagements this early summer than  I have seen in any other beginning of summer ever.Jarrod you dirty Bastard!!!!!.Lar ge friend groups are starting to break up at fast rates. Its interesting to see how everything willunfold.As peoples age grows some girls are deciding to wear more clothes and others are deciding to still vomit in the streets of P.N.L. at 4 am wearing nothing but two handkerchiefs and a price chopper bag as there bottoms. Its fun to go out, but just be safe out there girls. Theirs are a lot of horny dudes lurking in the shadows and there all assassins, because they can make you "Tap Out".Their shirt specifies there very important skill sets already. Another pattern you will see is all the girls who have fakes who drink themselves crazy start to realize around 21 that their body can't handle such a lifestyle and they begin to cut back. Those are the best crews of girls to go out with. The experienced veteran girls who still enjoy life, but don't vomit on the floor of your Subaru(Yes that happened one time(thanks a lot Maryville Missouri)).So gentleman who do wear pants who aren't creepy look for those type of girls to party with or chill with. Another gathering of girls you will see at the club are the super horny 21-25 year old girls who waited to drink until the legal age and can't handle the maturation behind it. You can only watch Gilmore Girls so long until there is a freak out.These women seek marriage after six months of dating so they can go back to watching the Gilmore Girls. Damn you ABC FAMILY!!! BEWARE GENTS!!! A group or trend I have noticed in Kansas City is the 21-28 year old crew of married people or engaged folks. They travel in couples of 4- 6 an our usually former frat brothers that work at the same firm or company and bring their Boo's with them. I don't ride with that crowd much because I still haven't met the Mutant artistic Blonde Ive been dreaming of.  Until Next time Later Kansas City!!!