My wife vsT-Mobile

My wife yelled into the phone like the coach of the Chicago Bulls.It was incredible. She tossed her challenge flag on our way to Ikea and defended my honor. I called T-Mobile and was driving, so she did some of the talking as well. While complaining about how much my phone sucks, we lost service with T-mobile support.When the service returned,We questioned the validity of the service.  IS there anything I can help you today? "Yeah you didn't here us for thirty seconds,that's what she were talking about. Than the T-Mobile lady told us we should try Craigslist and was telling us how to build our own phone. Than Amanda stepped in and said," THIS IS BULLSHIT(It was amazing) WE DONT KNOW HOW TO BUILD A PHONE. WE JUST WANT A PHONE THAT WORKS. WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ORDER PARTS OF CRAIGSLIST AND BUILD OUR OWN PHONE" The T-mobile lady realized she wasn't dealing with a tired sweaty Italian man, who was driving on the Broadway bridge anymore.  She had awakening a Six foot tall post R.A. who has had to deal with short drunken rich guys from St Louis for the last three years. The T-Mobile lady was intimidated and didn't talk about craigslist after that. We even said" T-mobile has not contracts (Via Charles Barkley) but we cant get out of  a contract that we don't have?"The lady was speechless and said there is nothing I can do for you" They decided to send us a fourth phone that is not even able to download my bank app. This isn't some Philosophy class. Is the contract there if you leave the room??? So needless to say you cant get out of contract that isn't even there. My Amazing Spartan wife scared a bunch of people with tiny headsets and there Bull Shit  "Wheres Waldo?" contract system. Ill be switching service once this ghost contract that was signed by no one because it isn't real is lifted.

Still Can't Order...

Very excited for this year. Recently asked a women to marry me and she responded by “Are you shitting me”? Well not really. This will be such a busy, but exciting year of life. I got a car I actually like for the journey ahead.  If a Subaru had sex with a Mini Cooper you would get a Nissan Juke.  From space it looks like a football with fins. I am entering my second year of graduate school for something I want to do. I hope I never have to work at a desk because I have 43 bobble heads and they would have nowhere to bobble.  During an interview I would bring them with them with me.  The interviewee would be so confused because my business associates would agree with everything I said. I got fired from the Y because the main lady never put me on her payroll apparently for like a year.  Keeping me on for 17-24 Dollars a month was such a pain in the Ass I guess.  Man I put those tables up quickly. I worked kid’s night out for three years one day a month.  The Jig was up. 

My main goal for this year is to finally order right at restaurants.  To this day my greatest flaw is ordering in restaurants.  Just the other day I ordered a Margareti pizza. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?? I am the worst orderer of all time.   I once ordered a “Got to Love to Have it” at Cold Stone. Again WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??    It sounds like some kind of sexual favor. I’m not a gross person, I just can’t order.  I could see myself ordered somewhere asking, “I will take a got to love to have it”? I could be hung in the village square for that.  I once asked at Starbucks for an Asango pretzel??? Me, Aqua Man, and the women who worked there were baffled by my stupidity.  Asiago was cheese I was searching for.  The very cow in which it came from should have kicked me in the nuts for being so dumb.  My goal this year is to learn to order like an adult.  No more of this snap chat socially awkward bullshit.  Im tired of waiters and waitresses looking at me like I am some nocturnal dirt farmer who was raised by Wild Boars.  I promise you servers of this world, I will learn to order. 

Deal with my Small Intestine.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I was wondering what was keeping me up? Oh yeah I ate 10 Pumpkin Doughnuts in three days.  It felt like a small bird was living in my stomach. My small intestine was making Woody Wood Pecker type noises.  Finally at 12:07 am I was able to goto the bathroom after 37 hours.  I actually shit out an entire pumpkin.  The stalk was the worst part. On a serious nature though, I felt so much relief.  My organs were clapping because that demon pumpkin dough feel was now gone.  After I took a pooh it felt like when Simba was born.  Elephants were playing trumpets and handing me rolls of toilet paper. I made a nonverbal internal deal with my small intestine yesterday to never eat a dozen doughnuts again!!!!If I hadn't gotten rid of those last two, I wouldn't be writing this. You have won this battle oh great pumpkin.  Charlie Brown never had shit problems like these...

LETS GO DODGERS!!

I really don't give a crap about baseball.  It just so happens that I fell out of my mother on the North side of Chicago so I was born into Cubs land.  In my youth I liked Mark Grace and several others Cubs during life, when I was concerned about building small mouse huts for mice to stay in the winter. Upon my journey to Kansas City I brought my Mark Grace jersey with me.  I had milkable teenage man breast that expanded the jersey throughout youth. I was able to wear it all the way to my Junior year. While trying to just wear a shirt that brought out my eyes a bunch of Asshole St Louis Cardinal fans always made fun of me. Okay clearly your team is better.  I really don't care. My home city of Chicago is and will always be better than St. Louis. My final straw came with the St Louis Cardinals in the Fall of 2009. (This was the worst year of my exhistance and Joel and Adam Roth can back that up).  There was a girl at Dillards who use to come to my department and hit on my all the time.  It must have been my eyebrow poor distance vision that won her over. Anyone, on a lunch break she ate all my cheesecake one time(what a bitch) and asked me to take her out.  That night I was going to meet her on the Plaza for a date. I got there before she did and got a table.  She texted me saying she was going to be late, and to make sure I had a table near a T.V. She asked me, " Who are you routing for tonight :)"  I didnt even know baseball was on because it was NBA preseason and that was all that mattered to me. I said Texassssssssss because I hated St Louis so much because I remember kids making fun of my teenage Cubs man breasts... She simply responded "Fuck you" and never showed up to dinner.  So I will forever hate the Cardinals... Go every other team in Baseball!!!!I lost so much cheesecake, for such a evil person.

The Proud Woods of Maple

Tonight I got three double cheeseburgers like I always get at Burger King and went and ate at Maple Woods. Most Northland kids who went there always insulted Maple Woods by calling it Maple Weeds, As I walked around there were no weeds. They have a great grounds crew. The only bad memory I have there was when I was walking and a herd of big women who were smoking took up the entire sidewalk and knocked me out of the way as I was walking my freshman year. This place is why I am the way I am today. Liberty High tried to make me love Math and Science and called me dumb if I didn't do well on a test.Logarithms will always be things that float in a toilet to me. The only Chemistry I will ever need to know is that Thundershock will never work on a Geodude.  Maple Woods instructors taught me everything important for adulthood except how to spell. I never learned that. For the Perfectionists who are internally correcting my writing feel free to go sit on a cactus for all I care. I finally was reached by teachers who probably smoked more pot than they should have, but there curriculum's ignited my soul. They inspired me to be myself wherever I go and that has always worked for me.  If I were to give up my creative ways to get a higher ACT score 7 years ago there wouldn't be 650 people coming to my wedding.  I'm not planning to get married anytime soon, but I got a lot of cool ass friends Ive made throughout my travels.  Six years ago today at Maple Woods I would be in Summer school taking six shits a day listening to Bruce Springsteen on my way to class.  I still do those things today. I will probably not be able to do them forever. I hope to not take six shits a day forever or otherwise toilet  paper cost will always lower my credit score.You can't buy this house because of the giant black hole in your ass... I hope to stay myself to the best of my abilities. Pokemon is not as cool as it once was. Very few kids I work with know what I'm talking about. M.J. is gradually fading as kids cheer for the traveling Lebron James. "Mes my favorite athlete" I'm sure is a quote hung in there lockers. NOT FOUR NOT FIVE NOT SIX was Lebron trying to count the number of head bands upon his head. Life is changing and my age is starting to show a little bit. I still don't want to change who I am.  My loyalty is to Maple Woods and I hope I can one day teach there.

A look Back to the ACL!

ACL U....

On February 12 ,2011 I tore my Anterior Cruciate Ligament (Usage). This injury came after I made a really good pass to Derrick Forbis as I went to sidestep and celebrate such a pass I heard a pop in my knee. No orville redenbacher machines were present at this site of this pop so I knew it was my knee. I began to walk like a deer had been clipped by a Subaru Forrestar on 72ND in GLADS...TONE(That's right I'm using a side story of me killing a mammal for vivid imagery to display how strange I was walking). It felt really painful. I tried to do the manly thing in front of the cute front desk girls by trying to walk it off. There was no sawg in that walk that day. I was walking like one of those kids at the Chuckie Cheese who shit his pants in the ball pit and is attempting to find his parents who are drinking in the animatronic mouse portion of the restaurant. I had to flee the scene. Sorry Vivion Road drivers about my driving that day. It was worse than ever. I scheduled a Doctor appointment immediately. His feathered hair and sweater vest told me everything I needed to know that day. The conversation was lacking. This man let me know he made 150,000 a year and I worked in a freezer at HY-Vee.He said many acronyms that most stupid people would never know about,but watching Michael Jordan and the Nba since the womb I knew what A.C.L.s were. Apparently I tore my meniscus as well. I knew what these were, but if I had to spell them in a spelling bee I would not even be accepted on stage. As I would try to walk on stage the judges would be like nice try buddy and throw me off stage. I had to have surgery. So I notified my current collegiate cheer squad my six game stint with them was now over. No more maroon stretchy pants for me or yelping at people with my small Italian thumbs.Glad I was apart of Park Cheer. I loved my time with those hot chicks and the current Prince of Angola. I never got my Auto Tune mega pone but one can still dream! For the next week I had to walk like I had to much to eat at the Home Town Buffet and my stomach had committed suicide, The people let me know what they thought of my ability to walk. Chris Evans had the best line "You walk like you have a Dick in your ass"!That was good to hear as a came up Copley Hill. Abby and many others had great empirical interpretations of my walk as well. I had surgery a week later at Liberty Hospital over spring break.Most people go to the beach for their Spring Breaks and I decided to go to my parent's basement without the ability to walk. Good thinking Matt. TBS comedies and Italian parents watching Jon Wayne movies to three AM is a suitable sight for recovery

NOT AT ALL). The surgery went well. I decided to delay the A.C.L. surgery through summer so I could work. So my meniscus was recovered before A.C.L. For 7 months the Meniscus was probably giggling and heckling the A.C.L. saying things like hahaha I can go in straight planes again and you cant side step Bitch. Summer was int resting.I couldn't play sports. Many inferior athletes were defeating me at sports upon my own lands because my abilities were only stationary. The inability to side step can enable you s much. I had to think about every action before I did anything. Not having the ability to side step ruined EBDS only concert because I couldn't woe the crowd with my usual aerial antics. People always wanted to play capture the flag this summer. I was the worst person out there. I took on the archetype of that kid who got picked for sports in middle school. It was down to me,the kid with no thumbs, and the kid who had been smoking since the second trimester of birth. Those kids got picked before me for anything it seemed like all summer. Even though Summer sucked athletically, I still had a fun time socially. I went to Brass Rail alot and I got to go to Vegas. Damn you Cinnabun!!!! I gained seven pounds in Vegas cause the Cinnabun was next to my hotel. Brock's Wedding was amazing! Congrats to my Boss and his Booness for Life. Nikki Ms next single will be"Can I Have this BOONess for life. I want to thank my Doctor for him fixing my knee because it allowed me to dance with Mel Burns so thank you Doctor! The semester went well. I finally passed Stats a class based on how a bunch of men saw a triangle during an Orgy but whatever. Made alot of new friends and with Alex Hall and Paul finding Boos from Maryville(the worlds worst city) I know longer hate the Bearcat. If I do ever encounter one though I will kick its ass without a doubt. Even though Breena Lawson cut off the metaphoric wings of the pegasus they will grow back. Im excited to have a new A.C.L and be able to side step this summer. Im excited about my new job and things to come. Thanks for the help during this attempted side step in my life!!! I got some good Friends. P.S. mary you better hang my Shaq poster up or a metaphoric Pegasus will place his droppings on your all white CAR HAHA.

Grad School

Recently I have been accepted to a graduate program. Im very excited about this opportunity. I had a graduate interview at another local institution. It was not expecting it to go so bad. I have had 23 interviews in my life for various activities and jobs. My worst interview I ever had was for Park University’s spirit squad. I essentially free styled for some blonde women and did a ninja roll on a hard wood floor. Such mumbo jumbo worked because I got a scholarship for it (unfortunately that Ninja roll didn't lead too much because I tore my A.C.L. 5 weeks later and never cheered again. Those 4 games were probably the worst in History). Another really bad interview I had was to be a birthday party coordinator at a gymnastic school. For some reason they hired me on as a coach. I had no experience in being flexible, or even falling gracefully. I was fired immediately after my first coaching shift because I had the kids on the trampoline doing front and back ninja rolls. I than received a check for 16$ in the mail 3 weeks later. I could have told the lady I had no experience in the realm of gymnastics, but such a question was never asked in the interview. To this day I’m still baffled by this interview.

This gentleman who interviewed me didn't even talk really about my Psychology background. He didn't even ask questions about my experiences in a self-contained classroom or about career aspirations. The first question he asked me was “ SO I SEE YOU DIDN’T DO SO WELL IN COLLEGE ALLGEBRA HOW COME? My response was than Yeah I missed about a third of the class because I couldn't drive to class due to having knee surgery. Than I explained how I couldn't afford to retake it. I than explained to him I was never good at math. I can’t help it I had an awful teacher in 6^th and 7^th grade. I had a disgruntled old man who retired the year after are class.. He yelled at us all the time and said we wouldn't ever go to college. I now understand he suffered from erectile dysfunction and had lost a coupon to save 7 cents a pound on oranges in 2001. He will never be on those Viagra boat commercials because he was an asshole .I was busy drawing pictures of Pokémon and talking to chicks. They didn't date my fat self-back then, but I sure made them laugh. Most girls back than were a foot taller than me and didn't want to listen to my Bon Jovi Cds on my bus. I remember one time I was sitting in the back of the bus and the batteries on my Cd player fell out. A girl who was sitting across from me took them and put them down her shirt and she insisted on my coming to grab them. Sadly her sex drive was two years ahead of mine. I just told her to keep them. I was more concerned about Goku’s Power levels and eating a corn dog than retrieving my dollar general batteries which only had about 6 minutes left on them anyway. How come he didn't ask about that in the interview? Than another thing he talked about how I probably wouldn't be able to keep my job or my girlfriend. He said she would probably leave cause of all the stress in my life. That’s optimistic isn't it? So after my interview I threw the T-Shirt they gave me out of my window somewhere on 87^th and Metcalf. The birds wouldn't even use such a T-Shirt for their nests because it reeked of despair. Thankfully I got into the program that I wanted and the lady who talked to me on the phone didn't tell me I should try harder on Math and tell my girlfriend to leave me.